Four

Four days left until Hope's intensive. Yesterday was not good with Hope. The Dad did not want to put her in respite last night, so she is at work with him today. My body simply can't take getting beat up any more. At six, I don't think she understands what an intensive is, but she does understand that we will be seeing Miss Cheryl everyday we are in Pennsylvania and is terrified. I assured her both The Dad and I would be with her every minute. Her behavior is screaming out her terror. Please pray for us.

An Attachment Intensive.

There were a couple of questions after my last post and I would like to try and answer them.


The first question was what is an intensive? This is an obvious question that should have been part of my last post. Sometimes I forget that not everybody who reads my stuff lives and breathes adoption, attachment, and RAD.


When speaking about Attachment Therapy, an intensive is a method of delivering that therapy. Therapy happens, with the child and parents, on consecutive days. After each days session, the parents are given specific exercises to practice with the child for the rest of the day. Therapy continues the next day. An initial intensive usually runs about 10 days.

The advantages of an intensive is that the parents and child are immersed in the therapy and unlike weekly or biweekly attachment therapy, sessions where not everything "takes" can be corrected the next day. Also, since one day's session is directly followed by the next day's session, the material is fresh for everyone, including the child.


All though every Attachment Therapist varies slightly in method, the goals are similar. They promote the connection between the parent(s) and child, help set up a healthy relationship where the child depends on the parent for what they need, addresses the trauma issues the child has, and gives the parents the tools they need to continue working on the child's attachment. 


In our initial appointment, the Attachment Therapist worked on eye contact, compliance, and trust between us and Hope. Eye contact is very important. Children with RAD avoid all eye contact unless they are using it to get something. The Attachment Therapist required eye contact every time Hope spoke. 


The Dad and I spent 15 minutes discussing what would happen during our intensive and listening to the Attachment Therapist's assessment on where Hope stood. We were doing better than we thought, but have a long way to go.

Attachment From My View Point

Hope and I survived the weekend. The psychiatrist Monday cancelled, but we got in touch by email and decided that all the clonidine was doing was making Hope tired, so we stopped the morning and afternoon doses.


I was a little surprised at the responses to my two last posts. I hadn't realized or  even considered how many people feel entitled to judge my lives' work.


Monday, after meeting with the waiver worker, we drove down to Philadelphia and had the pleasure of spending the evening with friends. On Tuesday, we spent most of the day with the Attachment Therapist. The Dad and I took the first two hours and then my friend brought Hope to join us.


It was a long and tiring afternoon. These are the things I took with me when we left.

• Hope experienced a lot of trauma, most of it when she was pre-verbal.

• She is on the severe end of the Reactive Attachment Disorder spectrum.

• There are small chinks in her armor that the Attachment Therapist thinks she can work with.

• Hope had much more difficulty maintaining eye contact with the Dad. She really struggled.

• Hope found it easier to maintain eye contact with me.

• The Attachment Therapist was pleased with what we have done so far.

• She thinks she will need 6 or 7 days for Hope's intensive instead of the usual 10.

 Now we have to match schedules.


Hope held it together  for most of the session. Of course, once Hope was in the car to go home, she fell apart and raged. We weren't surprised.

Attachment is so fundamental, I hope we can schedule Hope's intensive quickly. The Attachment Therapist believes that after Hope does the work of the intensive, all the other services she receives will  be much more effective.

Trauma Sucks

Hope wigged out last night. As directed by waiver worker, we called 911 and the crises person . Crisis person is 2+ hours away, a policemen and 2 EMTs show up. Hope stops throwing furniture and starts screaming in terror. Joe went to the hospital with her in the ambulance. I  spent 30 minutes tapping GB back to this planet.  My oldest RAD (26) took the opportunity to tell me I should be happy because this is what I have been waiting for. 

Trauma sucks. RAD sucks. I can't sleep.

Our Temporary Typical

Hope seems as stable as she is going to get. She hit the Dad and he slapped the hand that hit. He said to her "You hit me, I hit you. I hit harder." She hasn't pulled that %$@# with him again. Not very therapeutic, but it worked. She still hits me, but I walk away. I am not getting into any more wrestling matches. Hope is not allowed in the same room as GB. We will revisit that rule after the attachment therapist on Tuesday. Meanwhile GB and I are Tapping away.

Drawing Lines

  Hope woke up this morning snarly. The Dad helped her pick out clothes just before he left. Unfortunately, when Hope put on the skirt, it was much too short.    When I told Hope she had to change it, she slapped me. I took her down on the bed and did my best to keep from getting hurt. She was trying to claw and headbutt me and had some success. When she bared her teeth to bite, I reminded her I would call the police and the police would take her to the hospital. She closed her mouth and went back to clawing and kicking. Twice more she bared her teeth and each time, I reminded her what would happen the next time she bit. After a while, I told her she could call The Dad when she calmed down. The tantrum stopped immediately.       

I realize this was only the morning. I count it a victory that Hope chose not to cross that line.                                                                     

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggetty Jig

We arrived safely last night around 11pm. It was a good feeling, especially after wandering aimlessly being side tracked in NJ and DC.


My niece's graduation was as unique as she is. She concentrated on her accomplishments in soccer, Tae Kwon Do ( third degree black belt), the importance of family and her faith. She didn't mention her GPA of 3.98 or being a member of the national honor society. Our Christmas pajamas made her slide show.


Hope made  the week interesting, but doable. She raged in the middle of my nieces party, but we were prepared. We took her to an upstairs bed room, closed the door and windows, and waited her out. I missed about 45 minutes of the party and The Dad missed almost two hours. GB's cousin, Kayla, was there and GB had a blast.


We are making small, but significant progress utilizing tapping (EFT). Tomorrow, I will briefly describe what tapping looks like when we use it and add the links that were most helpful to me. The best thing about it is you and your child don't have to believe it works. As long as it is done in a controlled soothing voice, your belief or disbelief doesn't affect the outcome.

PROGRESS!

After an awful start to her day yesterday morning, Hope was stuck within arms length of me for the rest of the day. She did not get to go shopping, she did not get to go to the movies. She missed a soccer game and Tae Kwon Do. What she did get is a lot of my undivided attention. She colored. We baked brownies. We reviewed her safety contract. We talked about hospitals. We talked about respite. Hope asked me to tap with her. Not only wasn't she fighting it, she asked for it. I was happy to oblige. Later, as I was putting her to bed, she asked me if I tapped with GB every night before bed. I said that I did. She asked me if I could tap with her before she went to bed. I did.


When she woke up this morning, she had another awful start. But yesterday, yesterday was progress!

My Friend, the Papoose Board

The first week after Parenting in SPACE was better. Hope didn't seem to care that we were gone, DAY (Defiance, Aggression, Yelling) was working well for both girls. The Home and Community waiver worker worked with Hope and I to come up with safety plan, which incorporated  the Papoose board. We went to visit friends for three days and were rage free. It wasn't good- Hope was still stealing and lying everyday and she ended up with 3 or 4 DOs most days, but it WAS better.


Then Therapy Tuesday came. Right now, we are not doing therapy on Tuesday because we are still on waiting lists for an attachment therapist- lot's of them. Hope had been caught Monday night with a toy that she took from her classroom. I told her she would have to return it. Tuesday morning I checked to make sure the toy was in her book bag. I told her I was going to email Ms. V.Y. Teacher, so that she would know what was going on. Nothing new- I have been in regular email contact with her teacher since Hope's honeymoon ended. Hope has always been aware of it.


Tuesday morning brought a different reaction from Hope; she swiftly crossed the room and kicked me. She then sat on my laptop so I couldn't email her teacher. I called her on aggression because she kicked me and told her to have a seat. She raged. She raged through the bus pick up. she raged through the first hour of school. She raged in the Papoose board, so nobody got hurt. When she calmed down and was in control of her body again, The Dad took her to school and the school  therapist processed the stealing behaviors with her again.


It was pouring after school  and I waited at the bottom of the driveway in my car for their bus to come. GB got off the bus complaining of too much homework, and Hope got off with her arms crossed in front of her trying to pin me with her death ray stare. They got in the car and I drove up and around the driveway to the front door. GB quickly went inside to see the Dad. I was gathering up my stuff to bring in when I felt a sharp pain on my head I looked up to see Hope's face inches from mine. She had unbuckled and deliberately head butted me because she thought I was taking too long. I told her that head butting was aggression and she had to go inside and take a seat. She raced ahead of me and by the time I got inside, she had already kicked The Dad. We went through the Papoose board routine and Hope calmed in less then thirty minutes. The Dad let her up and reminded her that she still had time to do and a DO when her time was done. The Dad went upstairs to take a work call and moments later, as I was walking into the kitchen, Hope comes over and deliberately sunk her teeth in me and kept on attacking. I wrestled her into the Papoose board and ended up with another bite, a lot of claw marks, and a bruised right breast. It took over an hour for her to calm down. I wasn't taking any more chances of being beat up today, so Hope had a PRN and her night time meds before I let her up. I fed her a quick dinner and she was in bed by 6:00.When she realized her night was over, she started screaming again.I told her I hoped tomorrow would be a better day.

Wednesday  was better- only one rage and Hope caught up on her DOs. We all had ice cream for dessert, she went to bed easily, and I had reasonable hopes for Thursday. Hope went to school with minimal difficulties Thursday morning and did a good job on her HW without trying to involve anyone else. Dinner was uneventful and I was hoping for a quiet bedtime. My hopes were dashed when Hope spit her medication in my face. I gave it back and insisted she take it. Once she had swallowed her meds, I turned to check her tub. That was the first time she bit me. She got four bites on me before I got her out her safely out of the bathroom.  She raged for the better part of an hour. Once she calmed down, a quick bath was followed by bedtime.


I am discouraged and sore. Tuesday was the worse day Hope has had in over a year. I am grateful for the Papoose board, because without it, I would have looked like an abused woman again. The HCWS worker is meeting with us and the school today to finish our service plan. I hope they provide some support soon.

How We Use DAY

We no longer accept DAY in our house. The acronym stands for: Defiance Aggression Yelling. I point out the behavior to them, using which ever word applies, and give them a do-over. If the do over works, fine. If not they owe time. They have to sit quietly for eight minutes. They can't get up or make noise or their time starts over. Ugly, nasty faces are allowed however. As an incentive to get the time done, doing it well the first time  can result in shorter time. If Hope does her time right the first time, I let her up in four minutes. There is a fifteen minute window of time do to your time right.


If the child chooses not to complete their time in fifteen minutes, then a DO is added. Once we have a DO,  privileges are suspended until the  DO is done. Of, course, the DO can't even be discussed until the time is done. You have control over the DO. You can ask them for their suggestions. You  can just assign one. It can be as simple as a hug, or as difficult as picking up all the sticks in the yard (we have a big yard, with lots of sticks). I have been basing the DO on how much time and energy it cost me to get through their time: If it took twenty minutes to get the time done, the DO might be a hug along with an apology. If it took a ninety minute rage before they got their time done, it might be picking up the sticks or cleaning the playroom by themselves- both big jobs. You also control what privileges are suspended, again depending on how much time and energy they have taken from you. It might just be TV, it might be all electronics. Your choice.

The idea behind using DAY is to build your relationship with your child and make it stronger. It won't work if one of the parents are not holding themselves accountable for DAY. If I yell at a child, I need to apologize and repair my relationship. My goal is to remove most of the Defiance Aggression Yelling from our family life. That will allow us to focus more on building relationships.

Therapy Tuesday Is No More

Today we went to see the girls' psychiatrist. She gave her blessings to stopping therapy until we find a Dan Hughes trained attachment  therapist. We are currently on four different waiting lists for  therapists I have interviewed over the phone. I will interview them in person as they have openings. The psychiatrist is concerned with finding GB more time away from Hope and the stress that accompanies being near her.  That should be possible now that we have waiver services for Hope.


Hope had four vicious tantrums over the weekend. The Dad is no longer allowing her to triangulate (thank you, Michael!) and Hope is not taking it well. The waiver service social worker is coming today to help us set goals for Hope. I have no idea of how many hours we are going to get, but I am hopeful.


We had several instances of Hope acquiring things that do not belong to her.  Trying to track down where they came from.

The Cavalry Signed On

All the required people showed up for our 3:15 at 3:30 today. The Dad and I have all the required paperwork signed. We officially have 24/7 crisis intervention in place. Our waiver worker is coming again on Monday to start setting up skill services and respite services. Mean while, I am looking at attachment therapists. I have had enough Therapy Tuesdays. It is time for a change. The therapist we have is not working. Hope is 6.5 and I hear the clock ticking loudly.

Support Needed

Today, at 3:30 PM Eastern Time, Hope's ICM caseworker, the new waiver caseworker, and the new caseworker's supervisor are meeting with The Dad and I here to see what support they can give us. If they say her needs are too intense, the only help left is an RTF and we won't do it. 


Please pray for us all- that we will have support from this program and peace will visit (at least occasionally) again.

Before Parenting in SPACE Even Started

The Dad and I took an early flight to Chicago and were at the hotel before lunch. The Dad had signed us up for a pre-conference session run by Christine  Moers from Welcome to My Brain. Christine is very knowledgeable about what it takes to parent kids of trauma. I don't think she calls them RADishes or RADlets, but they are still the same kids, kids who have come from the hard places. Christine is always real and a natural in front of a group. She is entertaining and I expected to enjoy this part of the conference.


Christine caught me with the first group exercise and I pretty much stayed in that place all weekend. Christine pretended to give each of us a magic wand that would change one behavior of one child. After we introduced ourselves, we were expected to tell the group what we would use our wand for. I was so caught up in listening to everybody's story that when my turn came, I had not thought about my answer. My first instinct was to use my wand to protect GB, but that wasn't one behavior. The next thing that popped into my head was the smirk Hope always has right after she successfully triangulated one person against another (usually me). I.HATE.THAT.SMIRK! After everybody had introduced themselves and used their wand, Christine asked us to think about the behavior we used the wand on. That behavior was our biggest trigger.

She gave us a couple of minutes to try and figure out why Hope's smirk was a trigger for me. I closed my eyes and imagined Hope with her smirk on. As I was doing this, Hope's face turned into my youngest brother's face, but the smirk stayed the same.


My youngest brother went through his short life manipulating people to get what he needed or wanted. He was really good at it. I resented him most of his life. He died at 27, driving drunk, trying to outrun a state trooper after he side swiped a car. I had never made the connection before, but that was the force behind Hope's ability to make me climb walls with just one smirk. I spent the most of the weekend in my head, trying to sort things out.


The lesson I took away from this session is that not only do I, as a parent of children with RAD have to become familiar with their triggers, but I have to deal with my own triggers from my past. It wasn't a lesson I was looking for.

I Slayed a Dragon

Today, I slayed one of my dragons. Not using a sword. Not using my intellect. I slayed this dragon with an abundance of paperwork. Every email, every note home, every Tuesday Therapy post, every piece of paper I could find, I dumped on the SPOA  meeting table., along with the IEPs and evaluations that weren't good enough last week. The ICM worker was eloquent in her description of me getting the sh*t beat out of me. Hope has been approved for waiver services.


No time to celebrate. Next dragon is  family court with MK this afternoon. I will update on MK and Booboo on the other blog when I get back.


Thank you all for your prayers and support. I appreciate everyone of you.

Taking on SPOA

The SPOA committee meets again tomorrow morning. I have all my bogus paperwork from Texas. I have the listing from CHASK. I have my very knowledgeable friend's translation of this listing. I have  a copy of every email Ms. V.Y. Teacher has sent me since Hope crashed in November. Good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Back in the Thick of It

Hope raged twice yesterday when the Dad wasn't home. I didn't lose it, although I thought about it. Thankfully, GB earned her dollar and stayed out of the room. Hope stayed together enough in the afternoon to have a play date with the brother of one of GB's friends. It worked out well because the boy Hope was playing with has a PCA  all day Saturdays and their were three adults supervising four children.


This morning, Hope raged before we even got downstairs because there were no clean socks in her drawer. She knocked over a table and a chair, scratched, punched and hit me. She started screaming "I want Daddy" and something broke inside me. The Dad came and I told him to leave, he was not involved in this incident. It took until 11:30 before Hope gave up on waiting for Daddy. She finally calmed down. We cuddled and processed where we started (lack of socks) , result (2 1/2 hour meltdown), and consequence (She has to stay within three feet of me all day). She picked up the things she knocked over and threw. Then I let her cuddle her Daddy. She is now playing quietly with her doll at my feet.


Tomorrow, I will tackle SPOA again. I have no choice.

I Lied

On Monday, I posted that I had no expectations that the meeting set up by Hope's ICM worker would result in any real help for us. At the time, I thought that is what I believed. Alas, I was kidding myself, The Dad, and everybody else at that meeting. I only realized it today.


The ICM worker called today and said the SPOA committee turned down her request to transfer Hope to a program that would meet her/our needs- one with on call 24/7 crisis management, behavior management services, and regular respite. I wasn't surprised, but after I hung up I found myself close to tears.


SPOA wants more records of psychological and psychiatric testing on Hope. They already have all the records of every evaluation that has been done on her. There is nothing else to give them.


Hope had her usual difficult morning, but did make it to school. This afternoon, I do not have it in me. I took her book bag without looking at her communication log or homework and set her in front of the TV, where she  will happily vegetate until dinner. After dinner, it is medication and bed. Therapeutic? No. It is what it is.

My 500th Post Here... On Being a Therapeutic Parent

Being a Therapeutic Parent is not just hard. I am sitting here, nursing my swollen hand, scratched face, and bitten arm and looking at Hope. Hope is in control and doesn't have a mark on her because of the last ninety minutes of sweat-pouring-down-my-back effort. It is only 2 o'clock in the afternoon. 5 1/2 hours to bedtime. My question is "How do I continue to be a Therapeutic Parent?"


After thirty years of parenting kids from the hard places. I have mastered (mostly) the art of waking up and looking at each day as a fresh start. I have always struggled with the day that has already gone south. I struggle with feeling that my best wasn't good enough. Obviously, since my child has just managed to rage for X hours. Or my sweetheart just called the worker a F*cken' B*tch. My child walking out of Manifestation Hearings also tend to make feel like it is pointless to go on. If I stay in that place long, the tears start.


When I reach the why*bother*stage, I find I have to intentionally fight my way out. And, so far, I have not found a sure fire way out. Sometimes, really cold ice tea and a rocking chair, helps me reset. Another time it might working in the garden. Occasionally, another Trauma Mama can talk me down. Before all my health problems, a long walk helped. Chocolate has a good shot, too. None of these methods give the grace of a new day.  I am tense. I keep Hope on a short leash because I know if she has another major meltdown, I will be unable to keep my therapeutic panties on.


I can appear patient. I can sound reasonable. I can even go through motions correctly. So what is the problem? The problem is children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have a built in emotional radar that spots a sore points and aims for it. They can't  help themselves. Time and healing are the only things that help. 

We are on our way home, facing 17 hours of driving. I am asking God for the grace to keep myself regulated because I know Hope won't be. It would be unreasonable for me to expect it to be any other  way.

There Is No Cavalry

Hope had another rage last night, and The Dad was home and was the lucky ragee. The social worker from ICM called this morning and said that Hope's needs were too severe for her program. Her supervisor wants us to meet with the teacher, school therapist, outside therapist and ICM worker. Of course, it won't be until after Easter break. After/if we do that, she wants to refer us to a 4-6 week program that DSS runs. It is not the program that the worker feels Hope would benefit from. The worker said maybe we can get referred to the program that would meet Hope's needs from the 4-6 week program. We have had Hope 19 months now and I have less than no interest in getting involved with DSS. The program currently not giving Hope services is run by the Mental Health Association. The program she needs is run by MHA. I am too old to jump through hoops just because that is the way it is done.


To answer some questions from the last post:


Hope is disassociating, but that does not necessarily mean she has Dissociative Identity Disorder. There are four dissociative disorders and I am not sure they can differentiate between them at Hope's age. They are not sure she doesn't have DID either.

Nobody has ever been prosecuted for what happened to Hope. The abuse was preverbal, which means Hope has no words for what happened. The first adoptive family has not been cooperative.

An RTC is a residential treatment center for children with behavioral problems. It is in the same branch of services that foster homes and group homes are in. The state has custody of your child.


An RTF is a residential treatment facility for children with severe psychiatric illnesses. The level of treatment is more intense, there are fewer beds, and it is much more expensive. It has nothing to do with DSS and you keep custody of your child. It is administered by the same people that oversee MHA.


It is hard and it is exhausting living with a young child with severe RAD and probably other major mental illnesses. I appreciate all the support I get from my readers. Thank you.