We no longer accept DAY in our house. The acronym stands for: Defiance Aggression Yelling. I point out the behavior to them, using which ever word applies, and give them a do-over. If the do over works, fine. If not they owe time. They have to sit quietly for eight minutes. They can't get up or make noise or their time starts over. Ugly, nasty faces are allowed however. As an incentive to get the time done, doing it well the first time can result in shorter time. If Hope does her time right the first time, I let her up in four minutes. There is a fifteen minute window of time do to your time right.
If the child chooses not to complete their time in fifteen minutes, then a DO is added. Once we have a DO, privileges are suspended until the DO is done. Of, course, the DO can't even be discussed until the time is done. You have control over the DO. You can ask them for their suggestions. You can just assign one. It can be as simple as a hug, or as difficult as picking up all the sticks in the yard (we have a big yard, with lots of sticks). I have been basing the DO on how much time and energy it cost me to get through their time: If it took twenty minutes to get the time done, the DO might be a hug along with an apology. If it took a ninety minute rage before they got their time done, it might be picking up the sticks or cleaning the playroom by themselves- both big jobs. You also control what privileges are suspended, again depending on how much time and energy they have taken from you. It might just be TV, it might be all electronics. Your choice.
The idea behind using DAY is to build your relationship with your child and make it stronger. It won't work if one of the parents are not holding themselves accountable for DAY. If I yell at a child, I need to apologize and repair my relationship. My goal is to remove most of the Defiance Aggression Yelling from our family life. That will allow us to focus more on building relationships.
9 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing this!
I see so much of my own behavior reflected back at me from my kids. When I'm snarky, or raise my voice, I hear echoes back from the kiddos and think, "Man, Jim, you have to get it under control if you expect the same out of them."
I know it's apples/oranges in terms of severity, but I identify with the whole apologize/repair relationship thing.
Thank you for the reminder! We have gotten a little lax around here with those and I know how much better and safer it feels for all of us when we have a zero-tolerance response to these things.
Sounds like a very concrete plan to me! I LIKE IT :-)
I like it! Teaches repair and return with a bit of time to regulate too. Hope it works well for you, sweet mom. (((hug)))
Such a great concept. Thanks for sharing a clearer insight into it
I'm in love with this idea. DAY is describing each of my kids right now, unfortunately and the combination of that coming from all of them is about to undo me.
I think this might be concrete enough for them to understand and simple enough for me to implement...and stop my own use of Y! :/
You made my day, Jamey. Thank you.
I love this, GB's Mom. I think what is key for it to work is that it is a relationship tool. You're acknowledging the feelings, it's just the DAY that's not allowed. And holding yourself accountable too. You are inspirational. I hope it has lots of positive repercussions all round.
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