Although Day Five started off exactly as Day Four, it quickly became obvious that it was going to be much more difficult for Hope. The two ATs had gone over the session and decided that we had not finished dealing with the Texas Mom. During Friday's session, they had done a good job of having Hope access the anger. Today they wanted Hope to feel the sadness of being unwanted and abandoned. This was much harder for Hope. Anger she is familiar with, sadness she has been avoiding at least as long as we have had her. Today, Hope fought letting that sadness out with every fiber of her being. She tried very hard to get the AT's to settle for the anger and didn't know what to do when they wouldn't. She broke eye contact, got silly, gave inane answers for a long time. Once she was told we were in no hurry and she could take as long as she needed and saw everybody waiting silently, she decided to try. It was very difficult for her and you could see the battle being fought in her face. When it looked like there was nothing left in her, I jumped in to support her. I reminded her about the beautiful, gentle baby we have pictures of was still inside. The Texas Mom had made it very hard to even see that baby anymore, but she is real and still in there.
I eventually took the swaddled baby, Hope, into my arms and sang her lullabies. I rocked her and stroked her face, did Eskimo kisses, and played with her fingers. The whole time I told her how this was how I cared for all of my babies and she was my baby now, not the Texas Mom's.
Today's grief was obviously much harder for Hope to deal with then Friday's anger work. Pay back started in the car and lasted for hours. Tomorrow is an other day of behavioral work. I am sure it can't be as difficult as watching her try to rewrite her history.