Monday, July 16, 2012

Intensive Day Five- The Loss

Although Day Five started off exactly as Day Four, it quickly became obvious that it was going to be much more difficult for Hope. The two ATs had gone over the session and decided that we had not finished dealing with the Texas Mom. During Friday's session, they had done a good job of having Hope access the anger. Today they wanted Hope to feel the sadness of being unwanted and abandoned. This was much harder for Hope. Anger she is familiar with, sadness she has been avoiding at least as long as we have had her.  Today, Hope fought letting that sadness out with every fiber of her being. She tried very hard to get the AT's to settle for the anger and didn't know what to do when they wouldn't. She broke eye contact, got silly, gave inane answers for a long time. Once she was told we were in no hurry and she could take as long as she needed and saw everybody waiting silently, she decided to try. It was very difficult for her and you could see the battle being fought in her face. When it looked like there was nothing left in her, I jumped in to support her. I reminded her about the beautiful, gentle baby we have pictures of was still inside. The Texas Mom had made it very hard to even see that baby anymore, but she is real and still in there.

I eventually took the swaddled baby, Hope, into my arms and sang her lullabies. I rocked her and stroked her face, did Eskimo kisses, and played with her fingers. The whole time I told her how this was how I cared for all of my babies and she was my baby now, not the Texas Mom's.

Today's grief was obviously much harder for Hope to deal with then Friday's anger work. Pay back started in the car and lasted for hours. Tomorrow is an other day of behavioral work. I am sure it can't be as difficult as watching her try to rewrite her history.


Anonymous said...

What happens after the intensive, in terms of follow-up? Do you transition back to your close-to-home team, or do you travel back and forth a lot to continue to work closely with this therapist?


Sarah said...

I can't even imagine how exhausted you must be! Love you, and your dedication! After all of the violence, there are not many people who could still pick her up and baby her. I absolutely love that you are in a place where, in therapy, she lets you do that. I feel like there has been SO much progress! And like the previous commenter-- I really hope you have a solid plan for once you get home!

Anonymous said...

It is really hard even being this removed from things and reading your words here, to feel the grief and sadness for what happened to Hope without jumping right into feeling really angry about it. I can see why Hope had trouble and am sure this was a much harder day than Friday.

Also thinking of you guys after this long and exhausting therapy day having to stay therapeutic for hours afterwards, dealing with the angry aftermath.

Deb (again) sending all the love, support, and prayers that I can.

Anonymous said...

The swaddling and your words along with Hope's confusion on how to feel sad made me cry. I can't imagine what the two of you are going through but I am so happy that this intensive therapy is happening. Way to go!