I have started to regroup. Hope was able to express some remorse for hurting me. I have been processing how overwhelmed I felt after Hope's rage and replaying what happened with the therapist over and over in my mind. I cancelled this weeks therapy appointment because I need more time. I have decided I will find a new therapist long before I give serious thought to removing Hope. I have gone through this before. Many of MK's therapists and psychiatrists urged me to send her to an RTC for my own safety. It was really hard, but with the help of CCS we were able to keep her with us. I know I was healthier and younger then, but that just means I may need a different kind of help.
My CPAP machine arrives Tuesday. I am going to use it without oxygen until my appointment with the pulmonologist. I am hoping it helps my energy levels, stabilizes my blood pressure, and kick starts my thermostat. A lot of expectations for such a little machine!
The beginning of school is on the horizon. EYP has two more weeks. Hope summer teacher is campaigning to put Hope in first grade. She is a nice, older lady who seems clueless about the new high stakes expectations. Hope knows her alphabet and that is good enough for first grade. I managed to end the conversation by reminding her that Hope was in a self-contained k-1 class and it didn't matter what grade we said she was in. GB has her regular teacher for EYP. I met with him yesterday. He has spent the summer mostly one on one with GB. He found a lot of gaps left from the disastrous year of first grade. As he has worked with her to try and identify all these gaps, GB has emotionally traveled back to first grade and now feels like she is stupid and can't do anything right.
My first CSE meeting of the year is scheduled this week. I wasn't sure what I wanted to change when I scheduled it, but come August there is always something to change. I will be adding at least one more individual speech for Hope and at least one more individual counseling for GB. GB will also be working from a different reading curriculum.
I want to thank everybody for their support. The comments, messages, and emails helped me slow my mind down enough to start processing everything that happened this week. I may have "a useless little blog with no traffic" according to Anonymous, but I have the best readers in the blogsphere.