Monday, May 16, 2011

Adopting From a Disruption: Texas Parents Again

Hope's "Texas Parents" called last night. The conversation with them was short and appropriate. Then they put their children on, one at a time (Hope had three siblings). Each child cried and told Hope they missed her and wanted her to come back and live with them. Hope had a tough night and ended up in bed without dinner because she just refused to eat. This morning Hope was agitated and tried to wear the shirt she was wearing when we picked her up. It was too small and weather-inappropriate. What are these people thinking? What was I thinking? Maybe when you adopt from  an failed adoption , the past just needs to stay in the past.

8 comments:

J. said...

yeah, it's a hard call. We stay in touch with the family ours disrupted from but they are appropriate and they have their brother so it makes sense. We have zero contact with bio mom though and that was a harder call to make. May tonight be calm.

Christine said...

The grief after connections doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing. They should react that way - perfectly healthy. It helps solidify the fact that they were wanted and they are missed. Yet, they don't ever come out of that without at least some behaviors.

We try very hard to deliberately plan any contact with bio fam or previous adoptive connections when we can have down-time after and an easier-than-normal day to follow. My kids always act out. ALWAYS.

It's the premise of openness in adoption. Vital to our kids, but not easy to walk through. You did great. It brought the grief to the surface, yes. But that grief was already there. It needs to be processed. You were right there with her for that. And now it is being processed with answers, "I was loved. I am appreciated. What Mom says about me and how people felt about me is actually true. I heard them say it. My mom can be trusted."

More of those little building blocks.

But the behavior while processing that grief ... still sucks.

SUCKS!

Sarah said...

I love what Christine said. It is such a hard call. My son had a failed preadoptive placement with two of his biological brothers- that family ended up adopting his brothers and not him. In a lot of ways I think that disruption was more harmful to him than the disruption from his bioparents. We still maintain contact. Sometimes he handles it well, sometimes it sparks so many crazies I can't remember why I ever thought it was a good idea.

We still do it, and in the past two years I think he has started- just a little bit- to believe that that family loved him and cared about him but just could not take care of him. He still believes it was his fault they couldn't take care of him, but my hope is if we just keep doing it and keep talking about it and keep building self esteem... eventually he might drop that belief too.

Sunday Koffron said...

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! My blood is boiling just thinking about it! All of it. The adoption. The “disruption” (abandonment). The phone call. Letting the kids tell her that they want her to come home, as if that is even an option, after they dumped her. GRRRRRR!!!!!!!! The worst think is that they probably called because to shut up their kids up who were whining and bugging them, and put Hopes stability on the line to save them the grief. Plus they still need to look like “good parents” in the eyes of their kept kids. Nauseating!

That being said; I get what Christine is saying, and I know that she is right the grief is there…for all of the kids. I just hate that these things happen in the first place. With better screening and preparation these things could be avoided. Agencies really need to do better in this area.

It is NEVER O.K. To dump kids once you have made a commitment to them.

marythemom said...

We struggle with this too. Not only do we still have contact with biofamily (including biomom although technically the kids aren't supposed to communicate with biomom, my son does anyway, and she still has their younger sisters). We also allow contact with former foster mom, who adopted some of the foster kids, but not my daughter.

Over the years, the meltdowns have eased up. The kids also initiate contact a lot less. I wish we'd limited the amount of contact in the first year, but I also agree with Christine, it's something they have to go through anyway.

Mary in TX

Struggling to Stand said...

Can I answer "all of the above?" I think my question is whether the sibs crying adds guilt to her grief. Although that is probably impossible to answer ... I mean, TX mom probably did make that call to relieve her of guilt. Where did the guilt go? Who took it on? Yes, clearly you took some of it. But if Hope is taking some too, then IMO a less guilt-producing method of communication should be used (letters? video? something that isn't uncensored live.)

Kristine said...

I have nothing to offer other than a virtual hug for you and Hope!

Mom of 5 said...

Oh Grr!! I really have nothing to say either except that I am so sorry for her, and you...and man that is hard! I also feel bad for the kids....they do miss her I am sure, and probably don't understand why their sister no longer lives with them. No telling what the parents have even told them.