We picked up Hope from her first adoptive family on August 25, 2010. Nine months ago, today. We were experienced special needs adoptive parents. It wasn't even our first go around with RAD. So what wisdom have I gained in the past nine months?
Old Wisdom:
- They never tell you everything. Even if they think they are, by the time an adoption failed, objectivity is out the window.
- Rages are inevitable.
- You are the enemy. Everything is your fault.
- Give up age appropriate expectations. Ain't going to happen.
- Older adopted kids are like elephants. Each specialist touches a part of them and describes that part accurately. The all miss the elephant itself.
- RAD hasn't changed. My energy level has.
- You do not have to be isolated. You need to put forth the energy to make and sustain connections.
- Special needs, whatever they are, are real. You gain nothing by trying to convince yourself and others that they aren't.
- Even with special needs, your kids need some exposure to the real world. If they can't handle it, regroup. You can try again another time.
I am not the same person I was twenty years ago. In some ways it is much harder. I am different. I received an email that told me I had changed and that person, who used to think I was wonderful, no longer likes me. The only answer I have is that I am doing the best I can. Hope is here and will remain here. That will have to be good enough.
"Something's lost and something's gained in living everyday" Both Sides Now
9 comments:
Very wise words, both old and new insights. Its good for me to have a reminder of these.
I love the Old Wisdom/New Wisdom list. Can particularly relate to the last two of the New Wisdom list.
Special needs can also be a great way of finding out who your real friends are.
You doing the best you can is also a great example for your family. The girls may not understand it until they are older, and may never fully understand it, but the best you can is exactly what they need.
Someone actually sent you that email? Lame!!! You are doing the best you can at every moment and that's all any of us can do.
Well, since you got such an ugly email I'm glad you have 68 women that went to Orlando who love you just the way you are. It stinks to lose friends over our kids, but kinda makes me think, were they really friends anyway?
You are an awesome mama! Keep rockin on!
I would like to chime in and say I think you're wonderful now and I'm sure you were wonderful before too. Love you!
That email is the Dance of Anger. "Change back!" (because I am not comfortable with how your changes require me to change in order to keep dancing with you.) ... That email must have hurt you a lot. I'm sorry you've had something so negative thrown your way (and not from Hope, either!)
{{ hugs }}
I so get this about changing as you age. I have less energy (thanks to insomnia and other PTSD symptoms from parenting my kids) but I take more time to talk. I don't feel like I have to do everything or be super mom. Who I am has to be good enough. I think you're amazing. I hate that the world is so full of critical hateful people.
I'm sorry that you got that email. I loved reading this because I've had to say "I'm doing the best I can" to a number of people. I say it, but I don't believe it. I still think I should be doing more. You sound like you believe it, so I'm going to keep reading what you have to say! Maybe I'll start believing it for myself, too.
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