The Dad is coming to a place of acceptance. In the fall, he wanted to sign up GB for NT soccer. I said absolutely not and because I provide the transportation, I had final say. At Challengers (Little League for Special Needs) last Sunday, The Dad thoroughly enjoyed watching GB be happy, content, and actually play softball.
I wish I could say I have found some acceptance in the last months. I am thrilled she is enjoying softball, happy at school, and making slow, but steady progress in learning new skills. So, what's my problem? Better yet, why do I have a problem? I have a problem because I am jealous.
I have a couple of close friends with all NT kids, close in age to my girls. I am jealous of how easy it is for them to take their girls and just do things. I want to be able to do
Hope is repeating kindergarten in September. It is a good decision for her. Between all that she has gone through in the past year and where she started, I never really expected her to pass kindergarten this year. But when conversations with my friends start with how unreasonable the amount of homework their kids have is, I am jealous. They have not had to go to school at all this year to make sure a problem gets solved.
My friends NT kids can play outside in the yard without somebody sitting there and watching them. They can put in a DVD on a rainy day and their kids watch it all the way through. I am jealous of the quiet and the time to themselves they get from a DVD. My girls won't watch a DVD all the way through even when a captive audience on a car trip.
My friends are always helpful when I have a child melting down. I am jealous because that child is never theirs. It is always mine. They are very flexible and understanding when I have to change plans at the last minute. I am jealous because I am never the one who gets to be flexible and understanding. I am always the one that changes the plans.
A lot of what I feel can be considered grief. I grieve the things that will never be easy for my kids and the experiences that they are not having because, right now, they can't handle them. The jealousy I feel is real, too. It has nothing to do with the girls. I want to be able to just do things. I want to let things ride and be able to assume everything will work out, have a cup of tea and know without looking that the girls are fine for that ten minutes, or send a note to a teacher to take care of a problem. It is certainly about wanting things to be easier, being tired, and wanting to fit in. I have no doubt that these jealous feelings are rooted in selfishness and that I would be a better person without them. I try not to let them get too tight a hold of me. So far, though, I am unable to get rid of them.
Each morning, when I wake up, I check inside me, looking for that place of acceptance and the peace I am sure will come with it. So far, it hasn't been there. So jealousy remains an uncomfortable inhabitant of my body, mind, and soul. I believe I am a work in progress, but God and I have a long way to go.