A Letter to GB's Biological Mother

I read a post on Corey's Blog the other day that made me cry. It wasn't really the post- it was the sense of loss because I could never write that kind of letter to GB's biological mother and GB will never have the comfort of knowing that her mother loved her and took care of her until she made the life giving gift of adoption. My letter would to be more like this:

Dear GB's Biological Mother,

I am writing this letter because there are things I want you to be aware of when GB comes asking you difficult questions during her rapidly approaching adolescence. Since you have never lived more than 10 miles from our house, I am sure when she wants questions answered, she will be able to find you.

I suspect her first question will be about drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. She knows that none of these things are good for babies and she knows you chose to do them anyway. She knows she has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and she knows it doesn't go away. She knows that you promised both me and your father you would not do these things while you were pregnant. She doesn't know why you didn't keep your promise. Neither your father nor I have that answer for her.

She wants to know why you don't like her anymore. She remembers being four and being a flower girl in your father's wedding. She remembers you being in the wedding too. She doesn't remember seeing you, or you calling her after that day. I have told her that you called her 2 or 3 times and visited several times in that following year, but she doesn't remember it.  She thinks she did something wrong. My words cannot change the rejection by you that she feels.

She asks why you didn't eat good food while you were pregnant. I have no answer. She wants to know why she was in daycare before she was a month old. I used to say "Your birth mother had problems". I stopped saying that when GB started asking what kind of problems. How do you explain a personality disorder to an almost eight year old who is emotionally five? When she asks these questions now, I tell GB that you are the only one who knows the answer to these questions and when she is older, she will have to ask you herself. This is also the answer I give her when she wants to know why you left her. Since Hope came to our family from a disrupted adoption, GB's awareness of her own story is very much more evident.

Sometimes, in the past, GB has asked if you didn't want her, why you wouldn't sign the papers so she could be adopted. I don't have an answer to that question either. Don't worry, GB won't be showing up on your doorsteps tomorrow. You probably have four or five years before that day comes. Remember, though, the years pass surprisingly fast. She remembers all the times we went to go to court during the process of terminating your parental rights. Everybody has to answer for their actions sooner or later, and you only have a little time to figure out the real answers to difficult questions.

Maybe a therapist would help you figure out the answers to these questions, so that both you and GB can live with them.


GB's Mom

Hope's Program Review and Annual Review

God IS good!  I have not been to a more productive CSE meeting in a very long time. We agreed on behavioral standards and enforcing consequences in the same manner.  My testing and Ms. VY Teacher's testing came up with essentially the same results. Ms VY Teacher agreed with what we wanted at every step. Hope will be going to summer school with district transportation, and the same social worker and teacher.

In September, Hope will again be in Kindergarten, in an 1:8:2 class, with only K and 1st grade children in it. Mrs. VY Teacher will be her teacher again. I think this is good, as we will not have to waste time with a honeymoon period again. We had the daily communication log written into the IEP, as well as quarterly Program Reviews.

Hope can now count up to five objects in a group independently. She still can't tell you there are two cookies on her plate unless she counts them, and if there are more then five objects in a group, she loses her one-to-on correspondence. She recognizes 20 upper case letters, 16 lower case letters, and knows the sound 5 letters make. Hope needs to copy or trace letters; she can't write them from memory, not even her name. She can not recognize the first sound in a word, unless the word is Hope. She does not hear rhyming sounds. But there is lots of time between now and September.

We really weren't interested in her academics this year, and maybe she will be ready in September to start the Kindergarten Curriculum.

Being a Family of Four

GB

This weekend, The Dad, the girls, and I went for an overnight at the water park. Just us- our sub-family of

four. The park was empty and the rooms were cheap (Thank you, Super Bowl Sunday). GB always relaxes in water. Hope has never seen anything like it. Last night she told me there was no fun in Texas. She thought a minute and added maybe New York just kept all the fun to its self. We went with the sole purpose of keeping the trip low key and enjoyable. Two of us, two girls- neither girl had to do any activity they didn't want to. Hope had a couple of rough hours this morning. She woke up growling, and was not cooperative with either of us. The Dad and I focused on GB and let Hope and her 'tude to themselves. After  a couple of hours, Hope came to me, with her 'tude, and announced I didn't like her. I told her I liked her fine, it was the attitude I was not dealing with. Several minutes later, Hope came back, apologized, and showed me her improved attitude. It lasted until we got home. Hope's attitude came back before gymnastics, but keeping her out of the start of the class reset her attitude. GB had the best gymnastic class of the year. GB lasted to bedtime, but needed some help settling in. All around, it worked out well. It may become a new family tradition.

Hope tries something new without a meltdown

Scooby Snacks

GB and her Dad

Goodby D

D will be leaving for Basic Training shortly. Post on the other blog.

Geodon

GB is on her third night of no Zyprexa, just Geodon. GB's Dad sees no differences, but can't stand her  inability  to sit still, the constant pressured speech, or her manic laughing- all of which have gotten worse over the past two days. If there weren't so many commitments here, I would take GB to either Myrtle Beach or my sister's in Raleigh and keep her there until our  appointment with the new shrink on March 1st. Since that is not feasible, I will have to keep her close to me.

Tonight she was in tears as she asked me why Daddy and MK like Hope better. I hope there is at least some relief as the Geodon builds up in her system.

No Snow or Ice Today!

There is NO snow or ice today and there is not suppose to be tomorrow! Saturday is suppose to be more snow and ice, but I am not going there yet. All of these snow days have taught me a couple of things. First, the girls need scheduled breaks away from each other. Second, I thought I did a good job organizing the house for the girls. NOT! There is still way too much for them to play with, and since I am spending the morning in with the plumber (Yeah! The kids will have their toilet back, I will have my garbage disposal back and the house will be temporarily leak free), I am going on a purging binge. Four weeks to Orlando, less then five to surgery. I HAVE to purge or I can't imagine the mess that will be here after I am up and around again. The Dad keeps on top of them to clean up, but they are sneaky little buggers- they have hidey holes and out of the way corners that they can just pile stuff without having to actually think about where stuff goes. And the room looks SO much better...

The girls didn't want to go back to school today. I sidetracked GB by telling her she could go outside after school and climb the snow mountains. As for Hope, well, my Texas girl was excited the first 4 or 5 times she saw snow and went out in it. Now she is done with it. She doesn't like snow clothes, she doesn't like the cold and she definitely doesn't like cold hands. Nobody has been able to convince her that if she kept her gloves on, her hands wouldn't be wet or cold. 

Snow Mountains Await!

The Ice Day Cometh

Just like expected, I woke up to the musical sound of ice hitting our roof and windows. They announced  schools were closed before 5 am. I did get my dishwasher yesterday- my appliance guy, Rich, is local and had 4 wheel drive. Not as lucky with the plumber guy; He is not local so everyone is still using the master bath, my sinks are still leaking, and the garbage disposal being on the fritz is slowing down our evening routine- everybody getting in everybody's way.

Today, I will would like to finish up testing Hope. I need to line up my ducks, and I never write anything useful on snow/ice days.

We have taken advantage of all our inside time together to pull everything of the girls shelves and bins. So far, we have filled two large trash bags with junk and garbage. Mind you we already did this before AND after Christmas. GB has always been a hoarder- everything is a treasure, especially little bits of paper. Hope is a little trickier. I don't know if she is hoarding because with her first adoptive family she had nothing to hoard or because she still thinks and does everything GB does. Both are true. They need lots of practice on placing relative value on their possessions.

Therapy for the girls was canceled last evening because of weather. So the Therapist was moved to next weeks list.