So Far, So Long

Yesterday, Hope was dysregulated all day. We tried physical contact, a 2 mile walk, early lunch, one-on-one time and nothing helped. The Dad had to carry her raging out of the home improvement store. She ended up watching us swim because she chose to sun with with only part of her bathing suit where it belonged.

The Dad has a four day weekend and when we talked about what each of us wanted to do, GB knew what she wanted. She wanted to go to the gym with The Dad, because they hadn't been there since Hope joined the family in a long time. It is something they used to do together two or three times a month. It was their "thing". The Dad didn't really want to, for reasons that had nothing to do with GB, but he recognized how important it was to GB. Some of the changes we have had to make to accommodate Hope have not been easy on GB.

The shrink and I (by email) decided to dramatically increase Hope's Risperdal  in an attempt to get the rages back under control. The insurance company, MEDCO, in their infinite wisdom and based on their vast experience with Hope, decided she didn't need it. They refuse to talk to us and only the doctor is allowed to even try to change their mind. Fourth of July weekend... I am not optimistic, and so, for now, I guess we live with the rages.

While The Dad and GB are at the gym, MK is talking Hope and the baby for a walk. I think I will be keeping both girls home today. Between gardening and swimming, they should have enough to keep them busy.

The Dad Is Home and What I Learned

The Dad is home and has already taken one of Hope's three tantrums. The girls are out walking with MK and I am contemplating my week. So far, this is what I have:

• There is no such thing as instant love. I empathize with Hope, I am committed to Hope, I am careful to give her affection. However, in the 2 1/2 months she has been legally ours and living with us, I have not fallen in love with her. I am careful to be honest and sensitive with her, and for now, that is good enough.
• I find her rages easier to handle than her tantrums. She has so many tantrums, for so many reasons, each one needs to be thought about individually as I monitor myself to try and ensure she is not penalized if I run out of patience. It is almost a relief when a tantrum morphs into a rage, as rages I can handle on auto-pilot. I also tend end up with more bruises during tantrums.
• Hope is not ready to handle being out and about. It always results in more tantrums. Not having the time out chair and the big red timer with us is part of the reason she tantrums more. She is still a concrete thinker and is better able to not tantrum with those reminders right in front of her. I think more of it is because, while she is experiencing some security at home, it is much too new to hold on to in overstimulating situations. And since before we got her she never went anywhere, all situations away from the house are new and overstimulating.
• Two parents allow one to deal with the child who is raging or tantruming, while the other can keep the house routine as normal as possible.
• The Dad and I are not 100% in sync. When Hope crosses the line, which at least is pretty much the same for both of us, I count slowly to three, which is currently as high as Hope can always count to, and when I hit three, the consequence is activated. The Dad is prone to give her more chances to comply, after three and try to reason her into compliance. The down side to this, is that Hope never expects a consequence when I hit three. The advantage of the Dad's method is he can sometimes sidestep a tantrum altogether.

The walk is over, and the girls are back. Any feedback is welcome.

A New Week

Today was a long week. I received a note home that Hope was disrespectful to the adults in her class several times today. I tried to speak to Hope about it, and she refused to talk. When I wouldn't go away, she snapped at me, " I had a good day! See my prize!" and showed me a little top. I hate mixed messages. I am visiting her class tomorrow. She is not happy. Hope and I took GB to gymnastics tonight. GB went into her class and Hope wanted to watch. I saw her rubbing the chair she was sitting in and went over to check it out. She had a small bottle of hand sanitizer and was smearing it all over the chair. I took the bottle away from her and handed her a paper towel to clean it up. Hope told me I was a "stupid Mommy" and hit me. Not hard enough to hurt, just hard enough to make sure I reacted. I said "Time out" and she was gone. Her Dad carried her to the car and I took Hope home. While GB's Dad was buckling Hope in, GB noticed we were both gone and fell apart. My friend tried to reassure her that her Dad would be right back, but she was too far gone. GB's Dad went back inside and went into the gym to try and bring her back. He held her in his arms for several minutes before she came back enough to hear him. It was 15 minutes before she joined her class. When they got home, GB needed me to process her meltdown with her. She was willing to talk about feelings and told me that having Hope in the house made her worry we wouldn't love her anymore and when we were both not there the feeling took over. I am glad GB will have play therapy, the session after Hope's, starting tomorrow. I wish it wasn't an hour each way. My left hip isn't doing well and 2 hours of driving in one day is sure to set it off.