Saturday, January 28, 2012

Judgement: If Only It Were That Easy...


Being a Trauma Mama is hard. I am 55 years old and I have done some hard things in my life. I live with constant physical pain. I have lost friends to all kinds of cancer. I buried my brother and father within 2 weeks of each other. I nursed my mother for the next eight months and buried her too. I have started over in places where I knew nobody. I know my sister and I have the same genetic disorder that killed my mother. Being a Trauma Mama is the hardest thing I have ever done.


I love my children. It does not make parenting trauma easier. It makes it harder. Not only am I dealing with the fall out of a child who can't change his/her behaviors, but at the same time I am watching someone I love in excruciating pain and I can't stop it.


Most of my family truly don't understand what my children have experienced before I brought them home. They try to be supportive, but their faces give them away. Children who have experienced severe trauma need a parent 24/7. It takes a lot of experience to change the expectations of a child who already knows parents can't be trusted. I give up a lot of "me" time. The Dad and I give up a lot of couple time. My children require that each day be modified so that they can experience success. There are many days where my needs don't hit the radar screen.


I plan time for myself and I plan couple time. Is it enough? No. I am more stressed out then is good for anybody. My marriage is periodically ultra-stressed. I chose this life. The Dad chose this life. We feel called on to help children who have survived things no child should have to survive, heal. We do it with our eyes open and knowing the cost.


It is easy for the outside world to judge us and our children. IRL, people do it all the time. Hope's new school therapist was sure through September, October, and most of November that we were projecting our problems on to Hope. Then Hope's honeymoon with him ended. Neighbors, acquaintances, and even people we considered friends are sure if they took my kid for two weeks, they would have no problems.


Then there is the internet. I blog to share what my life is like, so that other parents on this difficult road know other parents share the same struggles. There are readers who judge me lacking. I am far from perfect, so there are times they are right. Then there are those people (commonly known as trolls) who have never tried to live my live, but spew crap all over me. The worst of them hide behind "Anonymous".
I have had a lot of practice dealing with these people and they rarely get me riled or fuel my self doubts.


It bothers me when trolls and "anonymous" leave comments on other Trauma Mama Blogs and hit them when they are struggling. To all my Trauma Mamas, I want to remind you that people who judge without knowledge, or worse, hide behind "Anonymous" have nothing to give to you. Judgement is never that easy.





9 comments:

Seven From Heaven said...

AMEN!

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

I can not wait to see you! !!

I love you.

Cassandra Sines said...

Well said!!!! I could so relate to what you said!

Anonymous said...

I comment under anonymous when people ask for prayer or need encouragement...but people who are anonymous just to be malicious and mean spirited are so sad. I have two autistic children (and an adopted child myself)and you encourage me through your blog and experiences. No one is perfect...NO ONE. But you go above and beyond what most people do and give those two children unconditional love and a FOREVER home. Thanks for sharing your blog to friends and anonymous alike. We are not all judgemental, rude people and do appreciate you.

Anonymous said...

I generally comment under anonymous when it is something personal dealing with my RAD experience because I don't want it linked back to my blog. My RADish is an adult and I never want him to read the negative emotions I still deal with based on my life experiences with him. I'm not sure if it's the right or wrong answer to hide all of that emotion from him, but it's what I feel is best for now. I hope no one thinks I'm trolling. I'm generally supportive and just flat in awe of you trauma mamas that do it so well. I know I did comment to you the other day that this is why I would never adopt or raise a child from trauma again, but that was an indicator of my issues, not meant to be negative toward you at all. I wish I would have had the internet and support when I was raising T, but even then I don't think I could have been as supportive as most of the trauma mamas that I read.

In the Pink said...

You are brilliant and wish you loads of patience and energy with your little ones :)

Sheri said...

I love you and cannot wait to sit next to you and weep, laugh, and/or both! :)

Jane said...

I feel so uncomfortable when people praise us as "saints". I don't feel like a saint. Sometimes I can be quite mean when our daughter is being very difficult. No one knows what it's like who hasn't been there. Keep up the good fight.

Jen said...

I can TOTALLY relate to other people thinking they could parent better. I had to cut off a group of woman last year who made it clear that a lot of parents are the issue, and that the kids are actually fine. There are members of my family who think that. Ridiculous.