A year ago today, we were visiting J's family, sunning on the shores of Lake Michigan contemplating whether GB was up to trying fire works (she wasn't). Hope was a picture at the CHASK website that I couldn't get out of my head. We had not been considering another adoption, not even in passing.At first, the possibility of adopting sounded both flaky and distant. I wouldn't have given any odds on us actually adopting Hope. Less than two months later, we had finalized her adoption, brought her home and she was ours forever.
I am not the same person that I was a year ago. I have no reason for having adopted Hope, except that there really wasn't any choice. Sounds crazy, I know. I am a work in progress, have been a work in progress for a long time. I have been sure about God and my relationship with Him for longer than I have had memories. He made me what I am through many unique experiences and trials. The person God made me into was unable to say no to adopting Hope.
Therefore, I had no choice but to change this year. That is what this God stuff does to a person. I am not an inspiration, fount of wisdom, or even especially good. In the last year, I found out that my patience was in a sorry state. I can do anything for a length of time. However, 24/7, with no end in sight, wore on me. Patience became an act of will. The more time that passes, the more will I have to have to exert any patience at all. I have always considered myself tolerant. In my family, which was more tolerant than most, I was always the tolerant one. The past year has shown me just how intolerant I can be. I have felt more unGodly feelings then I knew existed. Pure disgust. The urge to hurt somebody. Self righteousness so enormous, it is amazing I can still hold my head up. My sharp memory has been unable to hold on to the fact that Hope is emotionally not much more a two year old. I owe Hope more than what I have been able to give her. A young friend tried to tell me that a while ago, but I wasn't listening.
I am taking better care of myself so that I can give my children the things they need. In some ways, the standards become higher as I do better. I am not on this journey alone. God has been with me every step of the way and gave me an outstanding support network. Hope is going to need it all.