Monday, July 4, 2011

A Year Later

A year ago today, we were visiting J's family, sunning on the shores of Lake Michigan contemplating whether GB was up to trying fire works (she wasn't). Hope was a picture at the CHASK website that I couldn't get out of my head. We had not been considering another adoption, not even in passing.At first, the possibility of adopting  sounded both flaky and distant. I wouldn't have given any odds on us actually adopting Hope. Less than two months later, we had finalized her adoption, brought her home and she was ours forever.

I am not the same person that I was a year ago. I have no reason for having adopted Hope, except that there really wasn't any choice. Sounds crazy, I know. I am a work in progress, have been a work in progress for a long time. I have been sure about God and my relationship with Him for longer than I have had memories. He made me what I am through many unique experiences and trials. The person God made me into was unable to say no to adopting Hope.

Therefore, I had no choice but to change this year. That is what this God stuff does to a person. I am not an inspiration, fount of wisdom, or even especially good. In the last year, I found out that my patience was in a sorry state. I can do anything for a length of time. However, 24/7, with no end in sight, wore on me. Patience became an act of will. The more time that passes, the more will I have to have to exert any patience at all. I have always considered myself tolerant. In my family, which was more tolerant than most, I was always the tolerant one. The past year has shown me just how intolerant I can be. I have felt more unGodly feelings then I knew existed. Pure disgust. The urge to hurt somebody. Self righteousness so enormous, it is amazing I can still hold my head up. My sharp memory has been unable to hold on to the fact that Hope is emotionally not much more a two year old.  I owe Hope more than what I have been able to give her. A young friend tried to tell me that a while ago, but I wasn't listening.

I am taking better care of myself so that I can give my children the things they need. In some ways, the standards become higher as I do better. I am not on this journey alone. God has been with me every step of the way and gave me an outstanding support network. Hope is going to need it all.

7 comments:

Lisa said...

I cannot even count the ways I've had to change since J. It can be so tiring when there is no end in sight. My patience can still get in a horrible state but it's better than it once was.

I have so much admiration for you and the mother that you are. Sure do hope when I grow up I can be a mom like you!

Sarah said...

It doesn't sound crazy to me... I feel exactly the same way about my son. I had no choice, my entire life led me to him. I knew he would have "issues". I had absolutely no idea that becoming his mom would mean working through more of my own issues than I ever dreamed possible. It's still a work in progress, and probably always will be. They say God works in mysterious ways...

Barb G said...

If change is a boat, I am GRATEFUL to be in the same one with you ladies. You are ALL truly amazing moms!!!

(((GB's Mom))) thanks for sharing these beautiful words.

Last Mom said...

Ditto you and the other commenters! I am so not the same person I was before my L entered my world. My priorities have totally changed. Everything has totally changed. I admire you like crazy. You have been at this for decades and still have the energy, positivity and dedication to be Hope's mom and help her heal! You rock!

Brianna said...

I'm with you on those sentiments. The whole experience has changed me and opened my eyes to my impatience, etc... I wish I was stronger but that doesn't come without exercise and I am being exercised:)

Acceptance with Joy said...

oh, dear. That wasn't Brianna posting. What would a 16 year old know about some of this tough stuff.... actually, she lives here, too. She has more patience with those kiddos than anyone would ever ask of a teenager. I thank GOd for my girls and all they have done to help with the twins.

Struggling to Stand said...

"I am not an inspiration, fount of wisdom, or even especially good."
1. Only others can tell you if you are an inspiration (and they say "yes".) Perhaps you think you are goofing up so badly that you don't *want* to be an inspiration?
2. You aren't a measly drip of wisdom, either. Perhaps your fountain doesn't have multicolor lights on the inside and fireworks on the outside, but many of us can still get a refreshing drink. (If that isn't taking the metaphor too far.)
3. Even if you were barely any good at all, you would still be far better than what Hope used to have.

You are doing the best you can -- it is just that your older body and mind are "getting in the way". No fault.