Sunday, March 27, 2011

Trauma Mama

I have been reading Lori, over at (link removed at blogger's request)  for a while now. Why? Her viewpoint is very different from mine and it is usually good to hear contrasting views. It makes you think. You can read the whole post, if you want, or here is an excerpt:

Pet Peeves....

Ok, there is something that just makes me want to scream.  Yep, I am intolerant of certain things after all, I am human.  So I figured that rather than ignore this stuff, I wanted to put it out there, after all, I am betting I am not alone!

Kids -

Specifically other people's children and certain places and behaviors. 

I hate when I am trying to buy groceries and there is a small child, or even a large child, pulling things off the shelves and putting them here there and every where in the aisle or several aisles over.... Nothing like reaching for a box of cereal and getting a handful of the quickly melting ice cream that the kid picked up in frozen foods - just as mom realized she hadn't picked up the cereal.....

I hate when I am trying to enjoy a meal and the people's kid behind me, or even close to me in the same section is screaming and/or sharing their food with the entire area.  After all, you know I paid for that meal as much as they did.

I hate it when a child is a smart ass.  No one thinks your kid is cute when they are being nasty and rude..... and swearing and being nasty are not ever cute.


As I was reading this, it pushed a button in me. There are a lot of children that are special needs, older, have behavior problems. Society wants us to adopt. When we adopt these children, they don't know how to function in a family, much less in the world. That is the job we accepted (knowingly or unknowingly) when we adopted them. This is the post I left in response.

How do you expect them to learn if they are never exposed? Three of my adopted children came to me after the age you would expect them to know how to act in public. None of them had ever eaten in a restaurant, gone to a play, or even had experience going to B&N. The only way they get this experience is to take them places. We always talk about what they can expect when they get there and what behavior we expect from them. It is a process and we rarely get through these experiences without a meltdown. We always take them to the car when they do meltdown, until they are regulated and can try again.

People who try to pierce the back of our heads with their glares are not appreciated. There is a whole other adoption world out there that you have apparently missed. Birth mothers and the trauma they left behind do not leave the option to pretend they don't exist. They are part of our children and we are always careful to be both positive and honest. Those pictures go in treasure boxes, safe with the child. The anger some of my children feel at their birth parents came with them, not from me. I am a Trauma Mama and damn  proud of it. I live and breathe to see my kids make it, not only in my family, but in the real world. A "paper mama" couldn't begin to do what I do.


It has been a couple of hours since I left this, but I am still hot. I am going to file this away until I cool down.



I have cooled down. I am trying to figure our why this blog sets me off  sometimes. A birth mother railing  about "Life's not fair" is only part of it. This particular post had nothing to do with being a birth mother or really adoption at all. If I had a birth child who was autistic or bipolar (like my sister) these behaviors would still be an issue. Even though it would be a child who had always be mine, these issues would still be real. Maybe I am tired of all the judgment that happens everywhere, while seemingly totally inappropriate behavior is glorified in the media.   Maybe I am so out there that I am looking for compassion coupled with standards. Or maybe it has just been a long couple of weeks and I just need to stop reading her blog. After all, she is probably doing the best she can, too. Just like the rest of us.

10 comments:

Corey said...

Meh. I would just unsubscribe. I know the kids she is talking about, and they are not your kids. There is a difference between kids that are disregulated because they have issues but they have good parents (IMHO) and kids that are monsters because of poor parenting. It does not always LOOK the same, but the difference is still there. I'm not going to keep my kids home and locked in a box because they cannot always stay regulated.. like you said, they have to learn, and how do they do that if we keep them home all the time? But I would wager that you and I also minimize stimulation for our kids when possible.. that we don't take them to the busiest restaurant at the busiest time on friday night, for example.. not for the OTHER patrons' sake, but because we know our kids can't handle it. Keep swimming, Mama. xoxo

J. said...

yep, what Corey said.

GB's Mom said...

I unsubscribed. Life is too short. Thanks ladies :)

In the Pink said...

Good for you! You have way more important things to deal with then a simpleton on a tirade about children that she doesn't understand.

Lori said...

Since this was written about me, you forgot to add something - I never said that I thought kids needed to be locked in - I said parents need to be more aware and respect other people - I think that you need to re-read it.

It is about parents that don't bother to even attempt to regulate their children.

As for not liking my postings, well, your friends are right - and yes, you are always welcome, but don't expect me to agree with everything. I figure life is what it is, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it the way it is.

You also failed to say that I thanked you, as a former foster child, for caring enough to be there for children that actually needed you.

Julie said...

I want to thank YOU for blogging, Trauma Mama! It has opened up my eyes and made me a more empathetic person behind you in that restaurant, or in line with you at the grocery, etc. I no longer have the same view that Lori (and probably all parents of NT kids) has. No dagger eyes from me anymore.

Bryna said...

Hi there - This is not about your post, but just a note to say hi because we're raising kids with some similar issues and based on Christine Moer's Trauma Mom map you live near my parents - Where I visit often. We have boys who are 10 and 2 (brothers), who are our foster sons. Nice to meet you!

Penelope said...

I used to feel the same. Until I had kids. Maybe someday she will have her paradigm shift. :)

Kristine said...

Yikes! I had to check it out since I'm in serious procrastination mood today. And yikes! That woman has a lot of her own trauma to deal with, doesn't she.

Struggling to Stand said...

Y'a know, I always blamed that melted ice cream in the cereal section on a lazy adult. Sure, perhaps a kid gave the parent the ice cream and said "I don't want this anymore." No, really. Whenever I've seen something like that I've always thought "lazy [grown-up]."