CSE Update

Squeaky wheels do get greased. Hope's CSE meeting is one week from tomorrow. Time to start working on my agenda. I think I'll take advantage of the next 2 snow days to do some testing of my own.

GB passed her EKG and we started transitioning to  Geodon tonight.

New post on other blog; MK and Booboo update.

It was Me!

New post on private blog!

The Bad and the Good

The Bad

• The pipe supplying water to the kids toilet froze. As everyone came in from church, MK was first to the toilet and took forever, which left The Dad and the two girls doing the I-got-to-pee dance.
• The garbage disposal sprung a huge leak. Not only was there a huge mess to clean up, but it will cost $850.00 to replace it. For a garbage disposal unit? Not only that, but the leak stays until the unit is replaced.
• The dishwasher water arm melted, leaving no spray coming out, hence no dishes are getting washed. I haven't a clue how much a new dishwasher will cost, but since this one is almost twelve years old, I don't think I will get it repaired. In the mean time somebody (me) has to find time to wash dishes.
• The dog vomited up all his food this morning and I had two hairballs from the cats. Yuck!
• I have to take GB for an EKG tomorrow because the shrink won't try her on Geodon without one.
• GB's goodie bag from her party yesterday was full of silver tinsel.

The Good

• GB gets a new shrink in March.
• MK filled out the papers for child support and may even file them tomorrow.
• The plumber is coming Tuesday morning.
• My fireplace repairman got my gas logs going again :)
• The ticket for Orlando is already paid for, so I am going regardless of how many appliances break. 

Parents Are on a Spectrum, Too

GB had a birthday party to go to this morning. One of her classmates, also ASD, had invited her. A friend had given me the book Shut-Up-About-Your-Perfect-Kid, by Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian. She assured me it was humorous and laughter is always good in my life. Anyway, I brought the book with me to read while GB was at her party. Her anxiety gets to such high levels that I can never leave her at a party and it has only been the last couple of years that I can say she usually makes to the end of the party.

Today's party was unusual not only for being on a Saturday morning, but was also held at a huge fitness gym. GB was apprehensive and we slowly walked through the parking lot, into the party entrance, talking about who would be there that she knew and what kinds of games they might play. The invitation had a picture of a football on it and that was it. GB was sure SHE was not playing football. I kept talking in my slow, soothing, we-can-do-this-voice and eventually took off her coat, put on her sneakers, and joined the party. I found the perfect mom spot- far away from the action but up high, so no matter where she went on the playing field, (yes, playing field) she could see me. She checked in her usual dozen times and waved and waited for me to wave back another gazillion times, but seemed to be OK with it. They did not play football, although they played dodge ball, kickball, and freeze tag. The only game GB was interested in was freeze tag. When they were playing the other games, she saw a soccer net and decided to play soccer.

I didn't get to read my book much because most of the kids at the party were on the spectrum, hence most of the parents stayed. They were all talkative and a lot of them wanted me to talk about GB and after a while, I just put my book away. However, I am not a small talk person, and when there was a lull in the conversation, my eyes wandered. Eventually, they settled on a brochure and I started reading. The brochure told me we were not at actually at the huge fitness center, we were at the "Super*man" Speed School. The purpose of the "Super*man" Speed School was to give your child, from 7 through high school, the edge the needed to reach their potential as an athlete. They would cut seconds off their time! For only $299, they would train your kid 5 days a week, so that when spring tryouts came, your kid would make the cut.

For the 7-12 year old, the cut they were talking about was making a Little League team! I watched the kids at the party enjoying themselves; none of them could consistently catch the Four Square ball they were using for the games, but it didn't seem to bother any of them. Some of them understood the rules (not GB) but they weren't bothered by the kids who didn't. They were all having fun.

After the party, one of the 7-12 speed drills were scheduled. As we were gathering her goody bag and snow boots, getting ready to leave, the was an influx of parents with their kids, coming for the next class. Without breaking their conversation, the parents put themselves between their kids and ours. I listened to them remind their kid why they were there, what was expected, and that they would be closely watched for attitude and effort. As GB and I got through and left, GB chattering excitedly about the party, I briefly felt gratitude. GB would never make me sit with the parents who had stop watches and dreamed of pro careers for their children.

The Dad took the girls swimming this afternoon, and I am going to lay down and read my book.

Success

Tonight, The Dad and I took the girls out to dinner. We met a friend, who is a preschool special ed teacher, and her family, including her 2 girls the same ages as mine. My friend had also arranged for another adoptive mother to join us. Her and her husband have adopted 10 children from foster care. The oldest is currently 25 and the youngest is 2. All of her kids have special needs, from mild to intense, and as she still does foster care, how many she will bring is always a guess.

Tonight, she had 5 with her, and another friend, with her 7 year old granddaughter, brought our group up to 16, 10 of them children, 3 of whom were NT.  GB was not the most involved child, which  was nice for a change.  I have a lot in common with these people and it is the first time since we started with family #2 that I have had this, at least IRL. Her 7 year old and GB took an instant dislike to one another, which was not a surprise, since GB does not take well to large groups of kids, or for that matter, new kids. She chose to sit next to her Dad and by the time dessert was served, GB was willing to sit with the other kids. It didn't work out all that great, but it wasn't just GB. There were five of them that were toast, and one was NT.

It may sound crazy, but we are planning on doing it again. The adults, including me, enjoyed the time with other adults who *got it*, and none of the kids, including Hope, had to be removed. In my world, this is success.

V.S. Chairperson

Yesterday I received the following email in response to my request to have a program review for Hope.

Dear GB's Mom,

I am currently doing annual review meetings all day, every day. I can not do a program review.  It is  possible that Hope's annual review will be soon because I know that I have at least one day with  Ms. V.Y. Teacher coming up fairly soon.

Very Stupid Chairperson, PhD

I answered her email this morning and blind copied (thanks to The Dad, I know how to do this now) Mrs. Director of Special Education.


Dear  Very Stupid,

While it is obvious that deciding a kindergartner's placement for 8 months from now (note: we are still in the month of January) is an urgent matter, my concerns about my child's placement as of this moment are just going to have to be fit in. I know that you do not believe that Reactive Attachment Disorder exists, but that is currently irrelevant. An excellent psychiatrist, who works for the Country Renown Childrens Home, has completed a psychiatric examination on Hope and that is the diagnoses we were given. This psychiatrist says Hope is triangulating everyone she comes in contact with. You may not understand how triangulation works, but that is also OK. I am very willing to help the committee rewrite her IEP, so that it both meets legal requirements and Hope's needs. If this really can't be fit in your schedule now, I will be filing a claim of IEP insufficiency with NYSED  in the beginning of the week. The lawyer we used for GB is currently available to assure Hope gets a FAPE. I hope somebody has time to consider this matter over the weekend.

Sincerely,

GB's Mom,  Doctoral Candidate


Less than 15 minutes after I sent this email, I received a call from Mrs Director of Special Education. She asked specific questions about my concerns and requested I not do anything until she had a chance to investigate. She is suppose to call me back Tuesday.  I will wait and see.

An Email from Hope's Texas Mom

Today I received an email from Hope's Texas Mom, wanting to help however she could with Hope's adjustment. Truth stranger than fiction? I spent the morning pondering it. I thought back through thirty years of experience and many children having to come to terms with the fact that they are not going back. Some from failed adoptions, some from bio families. I think I have some key points it might be helpful for Hope to hear from her Texas Mom.

Here they are:

• Our family very much wanted her adoption to work.
• Our family tried very hard to make the adoption work.
• Everybody is sad that the adoption didn't work.
• GB's family is  her family now.
• We are happy she has a  family that loves her.

What do you think?


The therapist is another post.

New Post on other blog

I have no thoughts that are publicly acceptable. If you are interested, my publicly unacceptable thoughts are on the other blog. Otherwise, maybe I will have something to say tomorrow.

Tuesday Therapy

On Tuesdays we go to the Little City to see the therapist. It is a little far (an hour each way), a little late (therapy is 5 to 6:30), but my gut says it is worth it. My head is wondering. Hope went in first today and when she came out, the therapist motioned one of us in. I stayed with Hope and the Dad went with the therapist. Hope gave me her biggest I*Got*You smile and informed me that the therapist was going to tell us that she could call her Texas mother. Sure enough, when the Dad came out and I sent Hope to the bathroom, the Dad reported that the therapist was concerned that not letting Hope call her Texas mother was traumatizing her and we should allow contact. Sigh. Who knows?

Not Hope and GB- Me

GB started a new semester of gymnastics this evening. Hope started, too. I had reservations about putting them in the same class. I told myself separate classes would allow Hope some practice making independent decisions. I told myself that it wasn't fair to GB to allow Hope into something that had always been hers. I even convinced myself that it wasn't fair to Hope because GB's skills were so good that Hope was bound to be overwhelmed.

News flash! The only one I was kidding was myself. Hope went into the class and came out of the class with a smile. She couldn't do any of the gymnastics, but she didn't care. She was always where she was suppose to be and always trying to do what she was suppose to do. She had a blast.

GB had a blast, too. She did great back bends and cartwheels and repeated her bar routine from last semester flawlessly. She worked on back handsprings and did well. She just didn't do anything when she was suppose to. While the class was doing floor work, GB was collecting the round, colorful, plastic circles the gym sometimes uses as path markers. She stacked them, she pretended she was a waitress taking orders on them, she tried to use them to make a fort. When the class moved to the bars, GB worked on the balance beam- with such confidence. When the class was running the obstacle course, GB was doing cartwheel after cartwheel. She even threw in some back handsprings, unspotted, which made it over the top dangerous.

It was so obvious that GB was not NT. Hope fitting in so easily just made it stand out more. And that is where my reservations came from- I did not want to be forced to see how much further GB falls behind- each week, each month, each semester. What was best for the girls never really came under consideration.

Bling!

I hate to shop. Most of my shopping is done online. However, GB will be 8 in 5 weeks. This year, she decided she wanted to have her party at M*chaels A*ts and Cr*fts. And she decided that she was going to have a mixed party- I was thinking boys and girls, she was thinking ASD and non ASD (her words). Part of having the party at the craft shop is going to pick out the craft to be done at the party. This is what we did today.

GB had already decided that making chef hats was the best project. Unfortunately, the craft store didn't have any. The young woman from the store, who had been directed to help us, started by showing us several finished projects from other parties. GB wasn't looking at the projects or listening to the woman. She had caught sight of a large rack of thick, sparkly paper and that was all  she could focus on. I took the opportunity to tell the store employee that GB had special needs and this was going to take a while. I let GB admire the paper and identify all the beautiful colors it came in. Our guide managed to point out the jewelry making stuff on the next aisle, and GB darted over to look. I pointed out that some of the boys might not enjoy making jewelry and that it might to difficult for some of the other kids to handle the small jewelry fittings. She agreed and reluctantly left the sparkling jewels behind.

The guide started talking about making jeweled treasure boxes. GB excitedly followed her and I thought maybe  this wouldn't be so hard after all. Not so. She hadn't even reached the wood treasure boxes when a number of three legged stools, one already decorated, caught her attention. She was sure they were perfect; I had to tell her at $15 a piece, they were out of budget. It took a couple of minutes, but she did accept it.

We went through mugs, bird houses, picture frames, soap making, bulletin boards, shirts, safari helmets, and butterflies. At that point, we had been at it over an hour. I spied a large bag of craft bling! and showed it to GB. She fell in love with it! I told her if she could find a project that could use the bling!, we would buy it. In less than 10  minutes, she had found medium size canvas bags, in various colors. To add to the bling!, we bought 5 colors of puffy paint and a bottle of silver glitter paint.

We took everything up to the cash register to pay. GB was happy and chattering and our guide was boxing our stuff as she rang it up. She was about half done when GB noticed the young women was crying. GB does not have an inside voice, so when she told me, she announced it to the whole store. The manager came out, helped finish up our order, and then took his employee into his office. I hustled GB out and spent the ride home explaining to her, that since I didn't know our guide, I didn't know why she was crying, and at any rate it was none of our business. I paused to see how far I got and GB took the opportunity to inform me that her teacher said she was kind and compassionate and that was a good thing. Trying to explain boundaries to a child with GB's deficits is not easy. She is asleep. I may try again tomorrow.

Sisters

Today is the 5th snow day in the last 9 days. It is also the 8th day we have spent completely together, the girls and I, out of the last 9 days. The Dad has been very preoccupied (mentally and physically) with his job, so I have had a lot of time to interact with them as a pair and observe them as well. They still need eyeball supervision, because Hope plays head games close to constantly and GB can not defend herself from them. Despite this, I have come to  see that they are becoming/ attaching as sisters. Despite Hope's head games and physical aggression and GB's green-eyed monster, when they don't think you are watching, they enjoy playing together and even occasionally have an us vs them mentality. Hope is starting gymnastics in 2 weeks and I was seriously considering putting her in the class before GB's, so that Hope has a chance to  enjoy it without competing with GB and maybe make a friend or two. After watching them this week, I am not so sure. Maybe letting Hope share in something so important to GB will strengthen their bond.

Next Generation Risperdal

The drug that made my day yesterday was Invega @1.5 mg. Paliperidone, the generic name for Invega, is the major active metabolite of risperidone. I have got to get GB off Zyprexa.

A School Day!

The girls had school today! Of course, there is a winter storm warning in effect for tonight and tomorrow, but I refuse to think about it. Our school district's schedule allows for 7 snow days for the year. Tomorrow will be snow day number 5. There is still over a week of January left...

Snow Day Again: Good Things Happened Anyway

Today is the sixth consecutive day the girls have been home. Good things happened anyway. The Dad and I went to speak with the psychiatrist(word is too long. That's why I usually call them shrinks) who did the psychiatric evaluation on Hope. It is now official- Hope is RAD. She may also be ADHD. We will be weaning her off the Risperdal over the next three months starting with the morning dose. Good luck Mrs. VY Teacher. After she is off the Risperdal, we will have her evaluated for ADHD. Doesn't sound like something to celebrate. Ah, but there is more. Hope's VCS (Very Competent Shrink) has agreed to treat GB, so instead of a 5 1/2 hour round trip to Manhattan, it will be a 2 hour round trip to the little city. She also said that the next generation of Risperdal is now available in a child's dose. It doesn't have the weight gain or the prolactin problems Risperdal does. YIPEEEE! She is sending me more information. I can actually dream of a stable GB again. Granted, she will still contend with FASD and ASD, but that will always be true. No more psychosis! If my body was working better, I would be dancing. Good thing this is a blog post- you can't hear my tone deaf singing :)

Hopefully, School Tomorrow

GB on the Bars

Today is the FIFTH day of no school. Friday was a snow day, followed by a three day weekend, followed by today, yet another snow day.

It hasn't been all bad. On Saturday, GB enjoyed  swimming, last night was her gymnastic performance. She thought her outfit was perfect and I smiled and said I thought so too. She was not dressed like the rest of the girls, but fortunately, she didn't notice and none of the girls chose to tease her yesterday. They were busy enough worrying about how they looked. GB enjoyed performing and even out in La-La land, she held her own.

We usually go out to eat with friends after these performances, but GB was borderline and Hope was definitely on overload. We chose to go home.

This morning they announced school was closed before 5 AM. Today has been a difficult day. My patience is minimal and so is the girls self control. As a result, they have spent much of the day, sitting on either side of me, unhappily engaged in quiet activities. Hope has done some screaming, so has spent some of her day in time out. I told them if they didn't stop bouncing, I would know they were overstimulated and would put up the kitchen stuff and the dress up box so that it would be easier for them to hold it together. They are now trying to clean up the playroom, without screaming or touching each other. Since Hope still needs to be in line of sight, I am on the floor, blogging and making sure nothing inappropriate is happening. If tomorrow is another snow day ( which, since it is currently drizzling and the temperature is falling, is a real possibility), someone or something won't survive.

I spent today telling myself that I could survive do anything for one day. I am not sure that will be true tomorrow.

Hope joins in at the end.

GB Relaxes

GB has always been comfortable in any type of water. I took advantage of a couple of free hours on Saturday to take GB to the local Hol*day Inn, which has a large pool. As an afterthought, I called her biograndparents, who she hasn't seen since October. GB and I swam for almost an hour and then her grandparents came to swim with us. We swam another hour and had a wonderful time. GB relaxed completely and it was wonderful. We were having so much fun, I forgot to take pictures! Her grandparents moved to the hot tub, GB and I got dressed, and snapped a few pictures before we left.

GB has put on 2 lbs in the 2 weeks she has been on the Zyprexa, which is not a good start. She is back on the complex carbohydrates, high protein diet, limited to one junk a day. Having Hope around seemed to make it more difficult, until I realized that with Hope on Risperidal, healthy eating won't hurt her either. Tomorrow, the girls are off for Martin Luther King, Jr Day.  GB is in a gymnastics show tomorrow so we will probably stay home and try for a quiet day.

National Delurker's Day ?

I almost never lurk because I usually have an opinion on most things. However, in honor of the holiday, all lurkers are invited to delurk (if they want to). I think I would find it fun to know some of the people reading, but there was a time when I was afraid to comment, imagining all the criticism I would get. So, if you feel like continuing to lurk, that is ok, too.

Follow up to The State Lady

Today I spoke with the neuropsychologist who wrote the report saying GB was autistic. My question was really simple. After having her (state) agency write a report that another person, from a different part of her agency (read here) read and said the report was not enough to get GB services, was there any point of taking on THIS particular dragon. Her response was mind numbing.  She said if we repeat the exact same testing on GB's 8th birthday, she would qualify for all available services.  Not because GB would be any different in two months (she won't be), but because the norms they use to score  the testing instruments change the day she turns eight. I guess some days the dragon does win.

The Blog Jinx

I wrote about Hope's progress this morning. Sigh. There went my day. Today was a snow day here, like most other places. Hope chose today to  brush up on her Chinese water torture skills. Not any one thing that I couldn't handle on autopilot. It was the continuous parade of just stepping over the line that had worn me out. She almost always chooses dinner  for her best up-your-nose stunts. I haven't figured out what it is about the third meal of the day that is so irresistible. It doesn't matter what is served, she simply won't eat. Tonight, after playing with her food for over twenty minutes without getting a reaction, she spit all over the food on her plate. I took GB upstairs to start our medicine and bedtime routine and left the Dad to deal with Hope. It is hard to believe how tired I am.

Little Steps...

Hope has been ours 4 months, 16 days, and a little over an hour. My biggest delight? She no longer sleeps on a mattress on the floor next to her Dad. She is sleeping in her own bed. I We have our bedroom back. Hope has been ssllooowly improving in microscopic baby steps.

Improvements I have seen.

• She has not wet herself when angry or overwhelmed since Christmas.
• She asks for a cuddle almost as often as she attacks me.
• She is able (most of the time) to play with GB or another child for 25-30 minutes without losing it. I have taken to pulling her back with me after 20 minutes to regroup before she goes off again. This was the therapist's suggestion. It hasn't worked well, yet, because just interrupting what she is doing usually sets her off. The therapist says to keep trying...
• Hope is starting managing things like our morning routine without melting down EVERY day saying she can't do it.

The State Lady

Today the state intake worker from DDSO came and spent an hour with us and met GB. She is the first step on a long road to get GB some services as developmentally disabled. The mental health people turned her down, as when she is not psychotic, she is not difficult enough to handle. Hope on the other hand, will be receiving 10 hours of respite from MHA, courtesy of the meltdown she had while we were trying to do a preliminary intake.

The DDSO worker said that GB is such a complicated kid that GB and I would undoubtedly have to meet with one of the two  state psychologists that do reviews on eligibility for my area. Sometimes it gets tiring to always have to battle one dragon or another. Then I remind myself how difficult it is to be GB and how much energy she puts into everyday. It usually makes me stop whining.

The worker said they were trying to deal with budget cuts by tightening up on eligibility requirements. I am going to call the neuropsychologist at the George Jervis clinic tomorrow and ask her what hoops I have to jump through. They are all under the same state director, so it seems silly that one person tests and recommends the service, and second, less educated person, reads the report, and sends it to a third person (another psychologist), who wants to see us again, to compare us to the report. Maybe all that duplication of service is contributing to the state budget problems.

How do parents who don't know how to fight the system get services for their kids?

Cautiously Optimistic

GB has been on 5 mg of Zyprexa, along with Lithium, for about a week now. She has definitely had the best week she has had since last June. The school noticed the difference before they learned of the addition of the Zyprexa. Her moods still swing, but if you can catch them before she has lost control, it is possible to help her relax/center and avoid the meltdown completely.

The dynamic with Hope is interesting. As the week went on, the more stable GB got, the more buttons Hope tried to push with everybody. She went to bed pushing buttons last night (an hour early) and woke up and immediately started pushing buttons again. I wish her language wasn't so delayed- it is very difficult for Hope to express what's bothering her and when you can't understand what she is trying to tell you, frustration boils over. Her language has improved so much in just 4 months that I am very hopeful that this is a temporary problem. 

Our First Snow Day

School is closed for the first time this school year. Hope is standing at our french door, watching the snow in amazement. The flakes are very fine and lacy. Everything outside is already covered. She asked me how long it would snow. When I answered probably all day her mouth opened and a soft ohhh came out.

GB has her blanket and is enjoying a tea party with her stuffies, while she watches tv shows she is never home to watch. Ellie, GB's Georgia dog can't stand the cold or the snow. She doesn't even want to go out to do her business. I have to go with her. I think Ellie knows me well enough to know I don't want to be outside today any more than she does.

New post on other blog.

Hope is still watching the snow come down.

Yesterday, I got the neuropsych report, the one that expressly says GB is on the autistic spectrum. Her IQ dropped 18 points, according to the WISC-IV, in the last13 months. On AXIS I her diagnoses were 1. Asperger's Disorder 2. Bipolar Disorder 3. Mathematics Disorder. On AXIS III her diagnosis was Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. The report said a lot more (11 pages worth), but there were no glaring errors. Everything they said about her sounded exactly like GB. As she wasn't psychotic when this testing was done, it should be an accurate picture of what GB's functioning is when the Bipolar is stable.

I guess it is good I received the report yesterday, as today @ 1:30 is a CSE meeting on GB, for a program review. I also took my head out of the sand long enough to set up an intake appointment with the DDSO for our region. I spoke to the intake worker for over thirty minutes and she said she is sure GB will qualify for  services permanently from DDSO. She is coming over Monday to start the paper work.

For now, I plan on keeping my head out of the sand long enough to get what GB needs from the school. By bedtime, I may have to bury it in the sand , again, just to sleep.

Old/New Tricks

Hope is showing new behaviors- new in the sense she has not exhibited them in the past. She has developed a moderately severe case of sticky fingers. She has been touching everything she sees since we got her. Now she is pocketing everything that catches her interest, regardless of who it may belong to. I am careful to check her book bag before see leaves in the morning and again when she gets home. I didn't check it yesterday afternoon, because Tuesday is therapy day and we leave as soon as the girls are off the bus. I did check it this morning and found a pint size Tupperware of red jello, with its' lid off all over the inside of the book bag and everything in it. Hope insisted she knew nothing about it. I salvaged her folder and her communication book (the book Mrs. Very Young Teacher hasn't written in since December 7th), threw out the Hannah Montana book bag and gave Hope a princess book bag to use instead. She was `not happy because HM is much cooler than princesses. I wrote in the communication book that I would appreciate knowing how Hope got a hold of jello, but I really don't expect an answer.

I have had many kids over the year with sticky fingers, but Hope is the first to take Jello.

Orlando

I bought my plane tickets to Orlando! I am committed and can't chicken out. I don't know if I am more excited or nervous :()

School Updates

Today was the first day of school in 2011 and for Hope it started out on an optimistic note. Her class has has a new social worker/ therapist, who trained under the private therapist Hope is seeing once a week AND has multiple years of experience treating kids with RAD. And if that wasn't enough good news for one day, somebody (besides me) noticed that Hope's teacher was struggling and not all the student's needs were getting met. It hasn't been approved by the school board yet, but they are looking at a proposal to divide Hope's class (12 kids) in half and change the 12:1:2 class to two 6:1:1 classes.This would take  place by the end of January.

GB started 5 mg of Zyprexa yesterday, and today she was a bit more stable. Maybe just a coincidence, but I am allowing myself a little optimism. I have a CSE meeting on GB Thursday, to add the services the George Jarvis Clinic recommended when they said she was autistic back in November. I was told I had to reduce the stress in my life because of my neurological problems, so I already sent an email to the Director of Special Education, warning her that if they could not provide the new services that GB's new diagnoses of Autism would require, I would be hiring the same educational lawyer I hired in 2008.

Home at Last!

We are done with my parent's house and are finally home. GB starts on Zyprexa today and I am hoping for the best. Hope and GB are both relieved to finally be home. We got home shortly after 3AM and the girls were raring to go before eight. My brain is still sleeping, but I had a lot of time while the Dad was driving and I have posted my hopes for 2011 at my other blog. I hope 2011 is a year full of hope for all.