The Present and Past Meet

Last night, The Dad and I went to a parent support night for Hope's waiver program. Out of the 45,000 children who live in our county, are between 5 - 17, and therefore eligible for the program, there are 12 children receiving services at any one time. One of those twelve children is Hope. In Hope's class of 6 children, one of the other girls is also in the program Hope is in. So out of the 12 children deemed most in jeopardy of placement in our county, not only are two in the same small school district, the same elementary school, and the same age, but are also in the same class. Poor Ms. Very Young Teacher.


Last night's session was centered around attachment disorders and RAD. I didn't really want to go, frankly because after this week, I was not in the mood to discuss Hope at all. Especially when I heard they had lined up a play therapist to speak. There was a tornado warning, I didn't want to think about Hope, and I wasn't feeling positive about any of it. I went anyway.


I found a corner to sit in. When the speakers walked in, Joe was instantly excited. I forced myself to get off FB and looked to see what he was excited about. The speaker wasn't just any play therapist. It was someone I used to know quite well. During the 3 1/2 years she was seeing GB 3 X a week for play therapy, she was also trying to adopt from Guatemala. Just as GB graduated from Brookside to go off to kindergarten, Jose came home. The night turned into an unexpected, enjoyable reunion.


She had left Brookside the same time as GB to work the more flexible hours of private practice and spend time with her new child. Jose is six now. She was so excited to hear how secure GB's attachment to us was and that GB was doing a great job (mostly) keeping those feeling verbal. Jose is now in school, and she is back working full time, only half the distance away that the last therapist was. I do not know where I am going with this, but possibilities are swirling around my head right now.

EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique: Tapping

EFT is the acronym for Emotional Freedom Technique, commonly refereed to as Tapping. It is based on the Chinese acupressure points. It is possible to lead the child in tapping, with you tapping each point on your self and saying the script out loud and the child following your lead and repeating the script. If your child can't or won't do that, you can tap on them directly, speaking the script as you go. There are many scripts you can find online, with videos to follow. If you stick with it, your child will memorize scripts and be able to use them at the appropriate times.

The illustration above shows the acupressure points used. I always start with the forehead, work my way downwards, then end with the crown of the head. 

This link to Lisa's Life in the Grateful House where I started. She has such a good post as to why you should tap, that I will let you read it there. I am using tapping on myself, particularly after Hope has used up my last ounce of energy. I use it with GB to reinforce the self-talk she already has been taught as a technique to use when she is overwhelmed. For Hope, I am using a script Lisa and her daughter made up just for Hope. There are also  RAD scripts on Lisa's blog to get you started.

It has only been a couple of weeks that we have been tapping, but both girls request it. GB has actually requested that I tap with her when she has recognized she is getting dysregulated. 


Tapping isn't a cure for our kids, but it is another tool to use on our journey of parenting special needs children.

Mother's Day-The Reality

Mother's Day, as it exists now, in this country, is a commercial success for Hallmark. It wasn't always that way. During the 1600's, the early Christians in England celebrated a day to honor Mary, the mother of Christ. By a religious order the holiday was later expanded in its scope to include all mothers, and named as the Mothering Sunday. Celebrated on the 4th Sunday of Lent (the 40 day period leading up to Easter), "Mothering Day" was celebrated honoring all mothers of England. Since many of  England's poor worked as servants for the wealthy,  jobs were located far from their homes and the servants would live at the houses of their employers. On Mothering Sunday, the servants would have the day off and were encouraged to return home and spend the day with their mothers.


In 1914, President Woodrow adopted a resolution that the second Sunday in May was to be set aside to honor mother's. It took less then nine years for Americans to commercialize Mother's Day.

In our family, Mother's Day always involves a mix of emotions. The little ones plan and plot surprises. I still struggle with the loss of my mom, even though four years have gone by. The Dad's Mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember anything. GB has been angry at her Birth Mother for several years now and does not, even in her own mind, consider BM as Mom. Hope gets angry, I think, because in her mind, she doesn't have a mom. MK is proud to be a mom, but has never resolved her feelings about her birth mother, prenatal alcohol damage, and being given up. I am her Mom, but in her mind, the worst mom in the world. J always finds Mother's Day a source of guilt- for expectations he had for himself and didn't meet.


With all these emotions swirling around, Mother's Day is tiring, sometime exhausting. I try to take several minutes to myself to be grateful for the mother I had for 50 years, for the birth mothers of my children who chose life when they didn't have to, for the children God gave me to love and end with a prayer that my children will find peace with who they are. Then I join in whatever celebration my children decide they want this year. And maybe, we get a little closer to acceptance.

Aftermath

Everybody came home and Hope immediately lost everything we had gained. Both girls saw the psychiatrist this morning. She was thrilled with how GB is doing and unsurprised at Hope's current functioning. She also said that intensive case management was the first step to RTC and we had to start making a paper trail. Such discouraging news. I am hoping the intensive case management will help, if only by getting The Dad and I on the same page.


Both girls have CSE meetings this afternoon. Have to finish my prep.

Mid-Day Report

It has been a whole day of just Hope and I. Nobody to triangulate, no play options but me. We started cleaning the play kitchen after breakfast and found all the dishes and pots had been smeared with Vasoline. I gave myself a 15 minute time out and a cup of tea and then the two of us carried them to the real kitchen to clean up.


We have read books, cuddled, colored, emptied the dish washer and tried to hoop. Hope is practicing listening the first time, with swimming tomorrow dangling as the reward. 


It is much easier to live with Hope when it is just the two of us!

Why I am Proud to Be a Trauma Mama

A Trauma Mama is an ordinary mother who chooses to parent a child from the hard places. For various reasons, our kids have experienced things no child should have to experience. Abandonment, abuse, overwhelming neglect. Trauma. Children from Trauma can not be parented in the ways society takes for granted that neuro-typical children are raised. Ordinary parenting does not work with children of trauma. You need to have a whole different perspective on parenting.


Children from the hard places are different. They have never learned the world is safe. Their internal tapes are filled with shame, anger and worthlessness. They have no self worth and instinctively sabotage any good that comes into their lives.


As a Trauma Mama, my parenting is based on years of hands on experience. It is also based on years of literature, past and current. Not only books, but every scientific article I can find. I attend seminars that introduce new techniques that might be useful. And I have my other Trauma Mamas who share their hard earned knowledge with anyone interested.


Being a Trauma Mama is not for the faint of heart. It is 24/7, it is intense, it is relentless. And when I am not sure I can do it another second, my Trauma Mamas are there to tell me I am doing an awesome job and to breathe, I can take the next step.


A lot of Trauma Mama's have multiple children who came from trauma. Our children do not  define us as Trauma Mamas. How we chose to react to their behaviors and the commitments we make to them are what defines us.


That is why I am proud to be a Trauma Mama.

Parental Ambivalence

This is where I am with Hope- parental ambivalence. I feel pulled in so many directions that I think even Gumby would break instead of stretching. There has been so much progress made. The constant, raw terror is gone. Hope has words that she can and sometimes does use to make her needs known. Dinner is not a battle every night. She is sleeping most nights and managing most school days without any psychotropic medication.


And yet... I live in a battle field. Hope lives for the fight. If I won't engage, GB will. GB isn't capable, at this point, of recognizing what problems belong to Hope and leaving them with Hope. Hope misses no opportunity to poke. Her bad feelings are like an oil spill- when she can't contain them, they cover everybody around her and are extraordinarily difficult to clean up. You can never completely undo them.


I am committed to this child. I have break through moments when I feel real love for her. They are fleeting and then the battle field is back. She is still hitting, kicking, and throwing things at me. She is screaming no before I finish my request. She spends all most of her waking hours trying to play The Dad against me.


Hope will be moving into the little room as soon as I find somebody to redo D's room, which is where the office will go. That will give her a place to rage where the only things she can destroy belong to her and it can be made safe enough that a monitor can replace us. GB will get her own space back and her possessions will once again be safe.


Ambivalence... my mom used to say "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Maybe that was just another way of saying the same thing.

The Dad Asked

Last night The Dad asked me to write a post like yesterday's post, except make it about Hope instead of GB. There have been some logistical issues. We have only had Hope for a little over a year. I don't know the real Hope. We haven't broken through the RAD yet. Hope is still physical whenever she rages. And she is still raging. My instant reset button is broken. I know a lot of you understand that.  I can't keep her safe without risking getting hurt- especially in public. I will not willingly take Hope some place public by myself because of that. So today's post won't be the same. It will be shadows of future possibilities.

Hope is an angry little girl. Given her background, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I get 90% of her anger. Again, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I do not always deal well with being the constant focus of her anger. The Dad wishes that were different. So do I. Right now it is not.

Hope is not FASD, ASD, Bipolar, or ADHD. She is broken. What happened to her with her first adoptive family broke the child God made. God gave us this child to help her become what he intended. She has music in her soul. She is never as happy as when dancing her ballet. She trusts no one- not even The Dad, although he gets more trust than anyone else. The fact that she does trust The Dad more than anyone else, gives me hope... the ability to trust has not been completely destroyed. Hope is so far behind because of the neglect she lived with- she is missing concepts such as first, last, yesterday, tomorrow. After a year of working on them, they are still not usable. Rhyming words and beginning sounds do not exist to Hope- yet she wants to read and takes every opportunity to "read" to me. A drive that strong comes from a survivor. Hope has cause and effect and the ability to think abstractly. She frequently chooses not to use them, but having them puts her so far ahead of most of our kids.

Part of me regrets adopting Hope. I am too old, Hope's needs are so different from GB's, it never stops. This part of me is real. There is another part of me that knows God meant Hope to be ours. God believes The Dad and I are the people Hope needs to heal. I have found that arguing with God is usually a waste of energy and time. I would rather put that energy into Hope. Hope can heal. I can help.

Nurture

The Dad and I switched kids for a couple of hours last night. He got to watch GB do some amazing stuff at gymnastics and spent time helping her regulate and enjoy the evening. I watched Hope's class, complete with arms crossed and flat out refusal to participate in some of the activities.  After class, as I got Hope ready to go home, I softly talked about some of the activities she did participate in and how much fun she seemed to be having. I told her we had a couple of hours to spend together and it was up to her how we spent them. She asked to get into her pajamas, so we did that, then she brushed her teeth and took her medicine. She went to get her current favorite book, "Harold and the Purple Crayon". We both laid down in my bed and spent an hour and 1/2 reading. We had a meltdown free evening and, hopefully, stored a little love in the "good memory bank". It won't happen again today, but that is alright. It will happen another day. I am sure of it.

Sisters

Today is the 5th snow day in the last 9 days. It is also the 8th day we have spent completely together, the girls and I, out of the last 9 days. The Dad has been very preoccupied (mentally and physically) with his job, so I have had a lot of time to interact with them as a pair and observe them as well. They still need eyeball supervision, because Hope plays head games close to constantly and GB can not defend herself from them. Despite this, I have come to  see that they are becoming/ attaching as sisters. Despite Hope's head games and physical aggression and GB's green-eyed monster, when they don't think you are watching, they enjoy playing together and even occasionally have an us vs them mentality. Hope is starting gymnastics in 2 weeks and I was seriously considering putting her in the class before GB's, so that Hope has a chance to  enjoy it without competing with GB and maybe make a friend or two. After watching them this week, I am not so sure. Maybe letting Hope share in something so important to GB will strengthen their bond.

Thankful November, Day 16

Today I am thankful for for Hope's amazing day yesterday. She dressed herself independently and for the first time since she came to live with us, there were NO tantrums or rages- not even a time out! She was looking at some pictures her Texas family sent her and that her and I made into a life book. She was crying quietly, but let me pull her into my lap and cuddle her. She was not able to verbalize much, but still, it was an awesome day of progress!

Hope, Attachment, and I had a GOOD Day

Tuesday was a good day for Hope and I. Hope did not get physically aggressive at all today.  That by itself is a milestone to celebrate. But it gets better. She called me "Mom" and "Mommy" all day, and not once was I "mean and ugly". She asked for a hug from me! And the Cherry-on-Top? She was cuddling her Dad right before bedtime and she asked for cuddle time with me- and he was right there. Four gigantic firsts in the same day. She did wet her pants, but nobody's perfect. I wish I had known it was going to be such a good day- I would have taken some pictures.

Trying for Boredom

Yesterday we stayed home all day. We were trying for routine and establishing the minimum amount of rules that are necessary for us to survive. Hope is working on using words instead of screaming and not being aggressive. The tantrums and rages are just too big to tackle right now. We are working on attachment all the time and have had some success. I was called mommy most of yesterday and was ugly only during the times she was raging. Chocolate gives me the most success. This morning she crawled into bed and wanted to cuddle. Of course the Dad was in the shower, and unavailable, but it was still a victory!

GB is struggling with sharing. She is used to everything being hers and having control over what is done with it. She got to pick three items she did not have to share and the rest become community property.  The teasing and scaring Hope was better yesterday morning. After Hope hit her in the face with a wooden building block yesterday afternoon, we lost all progress.

 Hope is extremely independent. Last night, I gave her a bath, and she washed and rinsed her body completely on her own. I went to dry her and she screeched and grabbed the towel and said "I do". She dried herself. I took out the lotion (a yummy cherry vanilla) and offered to rub some on. Hope tried to take it and I kept it out of her reach. We had tears and I gently told her, over and over, that mommy wants to do the lotion- it is mommy's lotion. She never agreed, but after a while she let me rub it on her hands, feet, arms, and legs.

We have a physical scheduled for Hope this afternoon. That will be our trip out for the day.

Strong Sitting and Other Stuff

In answer to yesterday's questions:

• Strong sitting is a technique to help children switch which part of the brain they are using. They sit still, with their backs straight, and their arms relaxed. Most people I have heard of strong sit on a mat. The goal is one minute per year of age and three times a day. The child sits quietly and you can suggest what they should think about or just let them get in touch with their feelings. I use chairs because you can carry it over to public places and use it when they need to take it down a notch or when you just need two minutes of uninterrupted time (such as registering kids for school). We practice several times a day, when we don't go out, so that they don't have to think about what to do when I need them to do it.
• Eye contact is a very important piece of the attachment process. Hope has it with the Dad, but would strongly prefer he was the only parent. The only way I get eye contact is with sweets. The idea is that with enough practice, she will pair the good feelings of the sweets with my eyes. 
• At this point, I am the only one providing meals and treats. We have not gotten to the point Hope tolerates me. It will be interesting to see how long it takes.
• Hope fell and skinned both knees yesterday.There was enough blood, it needed a bandage. Not a tear or scream. She laughed! I washed it off, which made her mad and got the response "Don't touch me". I told this was a mommy job, dried it off and put an impressively large band aid on it.
• MK flipped yesterday. As a result, both girls were off all after noon. More on the other blog.

First Solo

The girls and I have spent our first solo morning together. The Dad was here when Hope woke up, stayed long enough to cuddle her and was gone by 7:20. The girls and I got washed (2 dry pull-ups!), dressed, brushed our teeth, and took our medicine. Hope was not happy that all of that had to be done before we went downstairs for breakfast, but she complied. As it is Monday, they had their choice of frozen waffles or cereal. Hope told me she wanted Daddy's pancakes (Saturday's breakfast) and when I pointed out that Daddy had already left, Hope told me I was mean and ugly. I fed GB and when Hope asked for hers, I brought it for her and told her that the words she used were unkind and that is not how we talk here.  (And since MK has stayed away, she believed me) She said her sorry; not very convincing, but I let it go.

After breakfast, we went to their school to register Hope. Both girls were on best behavior and were thrilled to meet their principal. They had an opportunity to practice strong sitting (we do it in chairs) and both made the two minutes we had to wait.

It went so well, I decided to tackle food shopping. They both needed multiple reminders of the rules, but I never hit "3" (as in  1, 2, 3), so we didn't have to leave. We needed everything since we have been away so much and it took almost an hour, but they made it. When we got home, GB put on Kidz Bop 18 and the girls helped me empty the groceries and put away the low stuff. We had watermelon for a snack, which Hope loved. They then built a fort out of our ghetto blocks, which are just empty boxes sealed with packing tape. We ended our morning with chocolate attachment work. One at a time, we broke a small Hershey's bar in half and looked into each others eyes while we ate it. GB was happy to demonstrate and Hope was happy to have a turn.

Last night, Hope had her first rage and the Dad was the lucky recipient of it. It lasted over 30 minutes, complete with screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, and hitting. I took GB upstairs and had her read to me. That put us at the opposite end of the house and we really didn't hear much. I don't think Hope is comfortable enough with me to let it out and I won't mind if I don't get my own rage for at least a little while.

The First Two Days

• Hope immediately took to her new Daddy. She wants him constantly and only feels safe when she is within touching distance of him.
• Hope's instinctive response to a perceived threat is to hit, bite or scratch. It took GB about 48 hours to decide the best defense is an offense. She has now taken to scaring Hope with verbal stories (there is a wolf in the back yard) to keep Hope away from her. Whispering is no longer allowed and now both of them have to be in direct site at all times.
• I am still the mean, ugly mommy. There have been a couple of times where she has come near me and even let me hug her, but only when she is not angry or afraid.
• I did my first official attachment activity today- I fed her little pieces of birthday cake while maintaining eye contact. GB's/Hope's Dad has done a lot more with her, but it much easier to work on attachment with a little girl who sweetly calls you Daddy and bats her eyes at you.
• The Dad and I have spoken about the need for consistent responses to both girls and are working on unified expectations.
• So far we have managed to not be triangulated. I know it is just a matter of time before we slip.
• The Dad goes back to work tomorrow. It will just be the three of us and the real work will begin. I have 9 days before school starts and an awful lot on my list.
• I am really glad I am not a single parent. I don't know how they do it.