It Can Be Hard...

Hope had a full blown rage last night. The Dad was not here. It lasted 2 1/2 hours. This morning I woke up to Hope raging with The Dad. In the process, Hope punched GB. GB defended herself. I took GB down stairs and left The Dad with Hope. It was a nice two hours. GB and I had a chance to tap. The Dad is working for the next three hours. Having Hope within arms length crimps my visiting with  my sister. Hope seems to be unable or unwilling to hold it together. The Dad is taking GB out after he is done with his calls. I am blessed with Hope's company for the day. May be I can successfully tap with her during her involuntary time with me.

Safely in North Carolina

We have all arrived safely in North Carolina. Hope had a major rage when we stopped for dinner last night. She has only had one short (25 minute) rage today. Today she was set off by the word "no", which is almost always a trigger for her. Last night, she was sleeping when we stopped for dinner and woke up raging. The shrink and the waiver worker are saying she will be hospitalized if we can't stop the raging. The Dad is resistant to outside the home respite and to PRN meds. It doesn't sound like he is going to have much of a choice. The whole situation is depressing.


At least I get to spend 3 days with my sister and niece. They are a lot alike!

A Mixed Bag

• The girls enjoyed planting wave petunias in GB's garden. Hope asked for a garden of her own.
• GB's  anxiety level is at an all time high. I started Tapping with her last week and now she wants it every night. She says she sleeps better.
• Hope hasn't bitten me in two whole days. Her psychiatrist said I had to go for a tetanus booster and told me  that the prognosis for Hope was pretty grim.
• I called the waiver worker yesterday morning and she spent an hour and a half telling Hope that physical attacks had to stop. The worker is meeting with the school tomorrow, as it is required by one of her forms.
• We are driving to Raleigh, North Carolina, for my niece's graduation tonight.
• GB's teacher said she has been resistant for the last couple of weeks. I made an appointment for next week so that GB, the teacher, and I can meet. I am not sure exactly what "resistant" means.
• Hope is up to 15 mg daily of Abilify. That is a lot for a 60# six year old.
• I have to call my doctor this morning to get an appointment for my tetanus booster and to make sure I have enough Valium to knock me out for the car ride. The Dad did not want to put Hope in respite while we were in North Carolina.

Mother's Day-The Reality

Mother's Day, as it exists now, in this country, is a commercial success for Hallmark. It wasn't always that way. During the 1600's, the early Christians in England celebrated a day to honor Mary, the mother of Christ. By a religious order the holiday was later expanded in its scope to include all mothers, and named as the Mothering Sunday. Celebrated on the 4th Sunday of Lent (the 40 day period leading up to Easter), "Mothering Day" was celebrated honoring all mothers of England. Since many of  England's poor worked as servants for the wealthy,  jobs were located far from their homes and the servants would live at the houses of their employers. On Mothering Sunday, the servants would have the day off and were encouraged to return home and spend the day with their mothers.


In 1914, President Woodrow adopted a resolution that the second Sunday in May was to be set aside to honor mother's. It took less then nine years for Americans to commercialize Mother's Day.

In our family, Mother's Day always involves a mix of emotions. The little ones plan and plot surprises. I still struggle with the loss of my mom, even though four years have gone by. The Dad's Mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember anything. GB has been angry at her Birth Mother for several years now and does not, even in her own mind, consider BM as Mom. Hope gets angry, I think, because in her mind, she doesn't have a mom. MK is proud to be a mom, but has never resolved her feelings about her birth mother, prenatal alcohol damage, and being given up. I am her Mom, but in her mind, the worst mom in the world. J always finds Mother's Day a source of guilt- for expectations he had for himself and didn't meet.


With all these emotions swirling around, Mother's Day is tiring, sometime exhausting. I try to take several minutes to myself to be grateful for the mother I had for 50 years, for the birth mothers of my children who chose life when they didn't have to, for the children God gave me to love and end with a prayer that my children will find peace with who they are. Then I join in whatever celebration my children decide they want this year. And maybe, we get a little closer to acceptance.

Let Down, Again

The HCWS worker meeting with us and the school yesterday was canceled. No reason. No rescheduled date. And we still have no services. Psychiatrist Monday morning.

My Friend, the Papoose Board

The first week after Parenting in SPACE was better. Hope didn't seem to care that we were gone, DAY (Defiance, Aggression, Yelling) was working well for both girls. The Home and Community waiver worker worked with Hope and I to come up with safety plan, which incorporated  the Papoose board. We went to visit friends for three days and were rage free. It wasn't good- Hope was still stealing and lying everyday and she ended up with 3 or 4 DOs most days, but it WAS better.


Then Therapy Tuesday came. Right now, we are not doing therapy on Tuesday because we are still on waiting lists for an attachment therapist- lot's of them. Hope had been caught Monday night with a toy that she took from her classroom. I told her she would have to return it. Tuesday morning I checked to make sure the toy was in her book bag. I told her I was going to email Ms. V.Y. Teacher, so that she would know what was going on. Nothing new- I have been in regular email contact with her teacher since Hope's honeymoon ended. Hope has always been aware of it.


Tuesday morning brought a different reaction from Hope; she swiftly crossed the room and kicked me. She then sat on my laptop so I couldn't email her teacher. I called her on aggression because she kicked me and told her to have a seat. She raged. She raged through the bus pick up. she raged through the first hour of school. She raged in the Papoose board, so nobody got hurt. When she calmed down and was in control of her body again, The Dad took her to school and the school  therapist processed the stealing behaviors with her again.


It was pouring after school  and I waited at the bottom of the driveway in my car for their bus to come. GB got off the bus complaining of too much homework, and Hope got off with her arms crossed in front of her trying to pin me with her death ray stare. They got in the car and I drove up and around the driveway to the front door. GB quickly went inside to see the Dad. I was gathering up my stuff to bring in when I felt a sharp pain on my head I looked up to see Hope's face inches from mine. She had unbuckled and deliberately head butted me because she thought I was taking too long. I told her that head butting was aggression and she had to go inside and take a seat. She raced ahead of me and by the time I got inside, she had already kicked The Dad. We went through the Papoose board routine and Hope calmed in less then thirty minutes. The Dad let her up and reminded her that she still had time to do and a DO when her time was done. The Dad went upstairs to take a work call and moments later, as I was walking into the kitchen, Hope comes over and deliberately sunk her teeth in me and kept on attacking. I wrestled her into the Papoose board and ended up with another bite, a lot of claw marks, and a bruised right breast. It took over an hour for her to calm down. I wasn't taking any more chances of being beat up today, so Hope had a PRN and her night time meds before I let her up. I fed her a quick dinner and she was in bed by 6:00.When she realized her night was over, she started screaming again.I told her I hoped tomorrow would be a better day.

Wednesday  was better- only one rage and Hope caught up on her DOs. We all had ice cream for dessert, she went to bed easily, and I had reasonable hopes for Thursday. Hope went to school with minimal difficulties Thursday morning and did a good job on her HW without trying to involve anyone else. Dinner was uneventful and I was hoping for a quiet bedtime. My hopes were dashed when Hope spit her medication in my face. I gave it back and insisted she take it. Once she had swallowed her meds, I turned to check her tub. That was the first time she bit me. She got four bites on me before I got her out her safely out of the bathroom.  She raged for the better part of an hour. Once she calmed down, a quick bath was followed by bedtime.


I am discouraged and sore. Tuesday was the worse day Hope has had in over a year. I am grateful for the Papoose board, because without it, I would have looked like an abused woman again. The HCWS worker is meeting with us and the school today to finish our service plan. I hope they provide some support soon.

The Power of the Ordinary

Last weekend, The Dad and I took the kids to visit my friend and her family in Pennsylvania. Despite three special needs kids, we had family fun, a Trauma Mama EFT conference call, an IEP a meeting with a limited bureaucrat that lasted three hours longer than his knowledge, an adoption seminar, swimming, and even took everybody to Friendly*s. The kids had no meltdowns, lots of fun, and the adults had ADULT CONVERSATION. Sure, the kids required constant monitoring and frequent intervention... but there were four adults to do it. At other times we have gone to the zoo, horseback riding at a resort, and swimming mixed into everything. The kids love to swim.


The Power? Besides adult conversation, of course. Our kids are not "special needs" when our families are together. The structure, the rules are just what they are. They are not compared to what other children can do. Pull-ups at night, medication, quiet times... they just are. Some how, this gives our kids the gift of just  being kids. Enjoying the normal activities that go with childhood. They are friends that share a growing stash of memories and look forward to what comes next.

The connection is a normal connection between families that are friends. The more the connections, the better. For our kids. For us.