The Power of the Ordinary

Last weekend, The Dad and I took the kids to visit my friend and her family in Pennsylvania. Despite three special needs kids, we had family fun, a Trauma Mama EFT conference call, an IEP a meeting with a limited bureaucrat that lasted three hours longer than his knowledge, an adoption seminar, swimming, and even took everybody to Friendly*s. The kids had no meltdowns, lots of fun, and the adults had ADULT CONVERSATION. Sure, the kids required constant monitoring and frequent intervention... but there were four adults to do it. At other times we have gone to the zoo, horseback riding at a resort, and swimming mixed into everything. The kids love to swim.


The Power? Besides adult conversation, of course. Our kids are not "special needs" when our families are together. The structure, the rules are just what they are. They are not compared to what other children can do. Pull-ups at night, medication, quiet times... they just are. Some how, this gives our kids the gift of just  being kids. Enjoying the normal activities that go with childhood. They are friends that share a growing stash of memories and look forward to what comes next.

The connection is a normal connection between families that are friends. The more the connections, the better. For our kids. For us.

How We Use DAY

We no longer accept DAY in our house. The acronym stands for: Defiance Aggression Yelling. I point out the behavior to them, using which ever word applies, and give them a do-over. If the do over works, fine. If not they owe time. They have to sit quietly for eight minutes. They can't get up or make noise or their time starts over. Ugly, nasty faces are allowed however. As an incentive to get the time done, doing it well the first time  can result in shorter time. If Hope does her time right the first time, I let her up in four minutes. There is a fifteen minute window of time do to your time right.


If the child chooses not to complete their time in fifteen minutes, then a DO is added. Once we have a DO,  privileges are suspended until the  DO is done. Of, course, the DO can't even be discussed until the time is done. You have control over the DO. You can ask them for their suggestions. You  can just assign one. It can be as simple as a hug, or as difficult as picking up all the sticks in the yard (we have a big yard, with lots of sticks). I have been basing the DO on how much time and energy it cost me to get through their time: If it took twenty minutes to get the time done, the DO might be a hug along with an apology. If it took a ninety minute rage before they got their time done, it might be picking up the sticks or cleaning the playroom by themselves- both big jobs. You also control what privileges are suspended, again depending on how much time and energy they have taken from you. It might just be TV, it might be all electronics. Your choice.

The idea behind using DAY is to build your relationship with your child and make it stronger. It won't work if one of the parents are not holding themselves accountable for DAY. If I yell at a child, I need to apologize and repair my relationship. My goal is to remove most of the Defiance Aggression Yelling from our family life. That will allow us to focus more on building relationships.

It Doesn't Mean I like It!

I am going to Chicago for the Parenting in SPACE event in Chicago. The Dad and I leave before the girls are up tomorrow. There are some pluses- I think I'll get to have dinner Sat with one of my favorite Trauma Mamas. It wouldn't hurt for The Dad and I to spend time without the girls. I believe I have made solid arrangements for both GB and Hope, separately.


BUT I am not comfortable with both of us being so far away from them for 3 full days. I dislike meeting large (say any more then eight) groups of people. I will feel claustrophobic.

The Dad really wants to meet other Dads that are doing this. I already have my Trauma  Mamas.

I will stop whining and start packing. But that doesn't mean I like it.
     

Important Stuff

Hope's meeting today gathered information. The information  will presented to SPOA tomorrow and we probably won't hear anything until Thursday.


One of my Trauma Mama friends' son made a really bad choice. My  friend was devastated. I am so proud of the way our group rallied around her with love, support, information, and practical help. There is no other group of ladies I would rather have my back then this group. I love them all.

A Beautiful Tattoo

Orlando was awesome. I experienced so much in 72 hours that it will take time to process it all and will never fit in one post. The picture above started off my weekend. The beautiful, talented Kelley comes to Orlando even though she is not a trauma mama. Kelley spoils us all and this year she blessed my friend Lisa and I with these beautiful matching henna tattoos. I have never gotten a tattoo because life has a habit of changing and I have never had a design that I was sure I would still love ten years later. I love Lisa and the tattoo was perfect. I started thinking about having it made into a real tattoo.

One of the activities this year was a scavenger hunt which sent people from house to house to complete activities. We each had an ETAAM passport to get stamped at each house. Right after lunch Saturday, I was  decluttering our villa of my mess and found my ETAAM passport. This triggered the realization that I had not seen my real passport when I unpacked Friday night. The real passport was the only ID I brought with me to Orlando and I was going to need it to get home.

I checked my knapsack and my tote bag. Others looked in various vans I had been in and the main house that had been first stop. I called the Orlando airport and waited on hold for while, but it hadn't been turned in. Tried the airline and they didn't have it either. I reluctantly called The Dad to update him on a potential problem with me flying home Monday. To say there was a notable lack of support was an understatement. I was feeling more than a little annoyed.

I did find my passport in my  bathroom and was greatly relieved. I didn't call or text The Dad right away and let him stew for a while. He was at the pool with the kids and their friends and I figured a little stewing wouldn't hurt. My housemates thought my tattoo was beautiful and were encouraging me to make it permanent. The Dad and I exchanged a couple of snippy texts and as the afternoon turned into evening, making it permanent sounded better and better.


I was still pissed three hours later when some of our group were getting ready to leave for a tattoo place. I so wanted to go. I didn't. Sensible people don't make decisions that are difficult to change when their decisions are being, at least partly, fueled by anger.


I still am enjoying my henna tattoo. I am still thinking about having it made  permanent. But not while I am angry.

Mended

I am at the Orlando Airport, waiting for my flight home. Some of the most loving people I have ever met are taking a piece of my heart with them today as our weekend had to end. I am at peace. These are women I can trust and know they will handle the pieces I shared with them gently until I see them again. Thank you all.

On My Way

I am on my way to Orlando! This year, I am not feeling nervous. Maybe a little excited. Mostly, I am experiencing the peace of going where I belong. I will share some of my Orlando experiences when I get home, but this weekend I will be too busy being to blog.


There is a new post or two on the other blog.

A Visit with the Pyrs

A volunteer from the North East Pyrenees Rescue came to visit today with her two Pyrs', Emma, a one year old female, and Vasa, a three year old male. Both were beautiful and well behaved. It was quickly apparent that a three year old male was a much better fit for our family than a  one year old female. The girls loved them. They were what I expected. If we were to get one, it would be an older male from a rescue. My husband says "No F#@*in way" and "Get an apartment first". I was already contemplating a two bedroom apartment. Decisions, decisions.

Hope's CSE

We had a CSE for Hope this morning. It was the first one for Hope without Mrs. V.S. Chairperson. Everybody was prepared with the materials needed. The speech therapist went over the speech eval done on Hope over the summer. She provided detailed information and well formulated goals for Hope's IEP. Hope teacher discussed where Hope was in the process of learning to read and said right now, Hope requires her one on one involvement to read. Nobody at the meeting seemed aware of district standards to be promoted to first grade. Mrs. Director will find out before we meet again.

I have 6 week programs reviews scheduled for both girls, back to back. I can't believe how smoothly this year is progressing. Not at all the black sinkhole of energy it was last year. Thank you, God! I really appreciate it!

A Day with a Soul Sister!

Yesterday's visit with Kristine was even better then I hoped for. The Dads hit it off, as did Noah and GB. All the kids had a blast at the zoo, swimming, and then Sonic for dinner. Kristine and I skipped out of the swimming and slipped into a bar for some girl talk and a drink. We rejoined the our families for dinner. All the kids did relatively well and had a great time. Noah and GB were able to deal with each other easily. Since we had each other, it didn't matter what the parents of NT kids thought. I can't wait until we can do it again!

I love Trauma Mamas and especially Soul Sisters! It was priceless :)