Hope never made it to summer school. She raged all day. I have my first black eye and lots of new bruises, but we survived until 6 pm, when I put her to bed. We had snippets of real communication occasionally throughout the day- enough to let me know we are dealing with the stuff the AT stirred up in her head.
GB was so together yesterday morning, getting herself out to the bus in the middle of Hope's first rage. When she came home in the afternoon, she proudly told me how she had coped. She took a pair of The Dad's dirty shorts to school with her and felt like he was there all day. I am continually amazed at the coping strategies she comes up with!
I am looking for a better day today.
Showing posts with label adopting from disruption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adopting from disruption. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Attachment From My View Point
Hope and I survived the weekend. The psychiatrist Monday cancelled, but we got in touch by email and decided that all the clonidine was doing was making Hope tired, so we stopped the morning and afternoon doses.
I was a little surprised at the responses to my two last posts. I hadn't realized or even considered how many people feel entitled to judge my lives' work.
Monday, after meeting with the waiver worker, we drove down to Philadelphia and had the pleasure of spending the evening with friends. On Tuesday, we spent most of the day with the Attachment Therapist. The Dad and I took the first two hours and then my friend brought Hope to join us.
It was a long and tiring afternoon. These are the things I took with me when we left.
Hope held it together for most of the session. Of course, once Hope was in the car to go home, she fell apart and raged. We weren't surprised.
Attachment is so fundamental, I hope we can schedule Hope's intensive quickly. The Attachment Therapist believes that after Hope does the work of the intensive, all the other services she receives will be much more effective.
I was a little surprised at the responses to my two last posts. I hadn't realized or even considered how many people feel entitled to judge my lives' work.
Monday, after meeting with the waiver worker, we drove down to Philadelphia and had the pleasure of spending the evening with friends. On Tuesday, we spent most of the day with the Attachment Therapist. The Dad and I took the first two hours and then my friend brought Hope to join us.
It was a long and tiring afternoon. These are the things I took with me when we left.
- Hope experienced a lot of trauma, most of it when she was pre-verbal.
- She is on the severe end of the Reactive Attachment Disorder spectrum.
- There are small chinks in her armor that the Attachment Therapist thinks she can work with.
- Hope had much more difficulty maintaining eye contact with the Dad. She really struggled.
- Hope found it easier to maintain eye contact with me.
- The Attachment Therapist was pleased with what we have done so far.
- She thinks she will need 6 or 7 days for Hope's intensive instead of the usual 10.
Hope held it together for most of the session. Of course, once Hope was in the car to go home, she fell apart and raged. We weren't surprised.
Attachment is so fundamental, I hope we can schedule Hope's intensive quickly. The Attachment Therapist believes that after Hope does the work of the intensive, all the other services she receives will be much more effective.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Before Parenting in SPACE Even Started
The Dad and I took an early flight to Chicago and were at the hotel before lunch. The Dad had signed us up for a pre-conference session run by Christine Moers from Welcome to My Brain. Christine is very knowledgeable about what it takes to parent kids of trauma. I don't think she calls them RADishes or RADlets, but they are still the same kids, kids who have come from the hard places. Christine is always real and a natural in front of a group. She is entertaining and I expected to enjoy this part of the conference.
Christine caught me with the first group exercise and I pretty much stayed in that place all weekend. Christine pretended to give each of us a magic wand that would change one behavior of one child. After we introduced ourselves, we were expected to tell the group what we would use our wand for. I was so caught up in listening to everybody's story that when my turn came, I had not thought about my answer. My first instinct was to use my wand to protect GB, but that wasn't one behavior. The next thing that popped into my head was the smirk Hope always has right after she successfully triangulated one person against another (usually me). I.HATE.THAT.SMIRK! After everybody had introduced themselves and used their wand, Christine asked us to think about the behavior we used the wand on. That behavior was our biggest trigger.
She gave us a couple of minutes to try and figure out why Hope's smirk was a trigger for me. I closed my eyes and imagined Hope with her smirk on. As I was doing this, Hope's face turned into my youngest brother's face, but the smirk stayed the same.
My youngest brother went through his short life manipulating people to get what he needed or wanted. He was really good at it. I resented him most of his life. He died at 27, driving drunk, trying to outrun a state trooper after he side swiped a car. I had never made the connection before, but that was the force behind Hope's ability to make me climb walls with just one smirk. I spent the most of the weekend in my head, trying to sort things out.
The lesson I took away from this session is that not only do I, as a parent of children with RAD have to become familiar with their triggers, but I have to deal with my own triggers from my past. It wasn't a lesson I was looking for.
Christine caught me with the first group exercise and I pretty much stayed in that place all weekend. Christine pretended to give each of us a magic wand that would change one behavior of one child. After we introduced ourselves, we were expected to tell the group what we would use our wand for. I was so caught up in listening to everybody's story that when my turn came, I had not thought about my answer. My first instinct was to use my wand to protect GB, but that wasn't one behavior. The next thing that popped into my head was the smirk Hope always has right after she successfully triangulated one person against another (usually me). I.HATE.THAT.SMIRK! After everybody had introduced themselves and used their wand, Christine asked us to think about the behavior we used the wand on. That behavior was our biggest trigger.
She gave us a couple of minutes to try and figure out why Hope's smirk was a trigger for me. I closed my eyes and imagined Hope with her smirk on. As I was doing this, Hope's face turned into my youngest brother's face, but the smirk stayed the same.
My youngest brother went through his short life manipulating people to get what he needed or wanted. He was really good at it. I resented him most of his life. He died at 27, driving drunk, trying to outrun a state trooper after he side swiped a car. I had never made the connection before, but that was the force behind Hope's ability to make me climb walls with just one smirk. I spent the most of the weekend in my head, trying to sort things out.
The lesson I took away from this session is that not only do I, as a parent of children with RAD have to become familiar with their triggers, but I have to deal with my own triggers from my past. It wasn't a lesson I was looking for.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Importance of Parenting in SPACE
I went to the Parenting in Space (SPACE: Safety, Support, Supervision, Structure, Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.) Conference this past weekend. I was wildly unenthusiastic about leaving the girls and flying to Chicago for three days. The Dad had decided we should go. He took care of all the arrangements and I went along with it, albeit dragging my feet and whining quite a bit.
I already had the connections I had made in Orlando. There are many women that will listen to me whine, offer help when I am overwhelmed, and make me laugh when it seems like I have forgotten how. I knew The Dad didn't have this, but I didn't think it mattered. After all, men do not have friends that connect on meaningful levels, and they most certainly do not have any interest in sharing feelings. I was wrong.
Any Trauma Mamas who have been to Orlando know that the best thing that comes out of it is the conviction that we are not alone. There are other women living the same crazy life that we are. On the way home from the conference, The Dad and I were talking about what we each considered the biggest gains we took away from the weekend. For the Dad, it was the many DOTs (Dads of Trauma) he met. The Dad wrote about his perspective and I will post what he wrote tomorrow.
I was really surprised by how much The Dad got out of the weekend. I was more surprised at how much I learned about myself. I will try to share as much as I can in this week's posts.
I already had the connections I had made in Orlando. There are many women that will listen to me whine, offer help when I am overwhelmed, and make me laugh when it seems like I have forgotten how. I knew The Dad didn't have this, but I didn't think it mattered. After all, men do not have friends that connect on meaningful levels, and they most certainly do not have any interest in sharing feelings. I was wrong.
Any Trauma Mamas who have been to Orlando know that the best thing that comes out of it is the conviction that we are not alone. There are other women living the same crazy life that we are. On the way home from the conference, The Dad and I were talking about what we each considered the biggest gains we took away from the weekend. For the Dad, it was the many DOTs (Dads of Trauma) he met. The Dad wrote about his perspective and I will post what he wrote tomorrow.
I was really surprised by how much The Dad got out of the weekend. I was more surprised at how much I learned about myself. I will try to share as much as I can in this week's posts.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
There Is No Cavalry
Hope had another rage last night, and The Dad was home and was the lucky ragee. The social worker from ICM called this morning and said that Hope's needs were too severe for her program. Her supervisor wants us to meet with the teacher, school therapist, outside therapist and ICM worker. Of course, it won't be until after Easter break. After/if we do that, she wants to refer us to a 4-6 week program that DSS runs. It is not the program that the worker feels Hope would benefit from. The worker said maybe we can get referred to the program that would meet Hope's needs from the 4-6 week program. We have had Hope 19 months now and I have less than no interest in getting involved with DSS. The program currently not giving Hope services is run by the Mental Health Association. The program she needs is run by MHA. I am too old to jump through hoops just because that is the way it is done.
To answer some questions from the last post:
Hope is disassociating, but that does not necessarily mean she has Dissociative Identity Disorder. There are four dissociative disorders and I am not sure they can differentiate between them at Hope's age. They are not sure she doesn't have DID either.
Nobody has ever been prosecuted for what happened to Hope. The abuse was preverbal, which means Hope has no words for what happened. The first adoptive family has not been cooperative.
An RTC is a residential treatment center for children with behavioral problems. It is in the same branch of services that foster homes and group homes are in. The state has custody of your child.
An RTF is a residential treatment facility for children with severe psychiatric illnesses. The level of treatment is more intense, there are fewer beds, and it is much more expensive. It has nothing to do with DSS and you keep custody of your child. It is administered by the same people that oversee MHA.
It is hard and it is exhausting living with a young child with severe RAD and probably other major mental illnesses. I appreciate all the support I get from my readers. Thank you.
To answer some questions from the last post:
Hope is disassociating, but that does not necessarily mean she has Dissociative Identity Disorder. There are four dissociative disorders and I am not sure they can differentiate between them at Hope's age. They are not sure she doesn't have DID either.
Nobody has ever been prosecuted for what happened to Hope. The abuse was preverbal, which means Hope has no words for what happened. The first adoptive family has not been cooperative.
An RTC is a residential treatment center for children with behavioral problems. It is in the same branch of services that foster homes and group homes are in. The state has custody of your child.
An RTF is a residential treatment facility for children with severe psychiatric illnesses. The level of treatment is more intense, there are fewer beds, and it is much more expensive. It has nothing to do with DSS and you keep custody of your child. It is administered by the same people that oversee MHA.
It is hard and it is exhausting living with a young child with severe RAD and probably other major mental illnesses. I appreciate all the support I get from my readers. Thank you.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
And The Cavalry Is A Comming!
A lot has happened in the last three days. We had two CSE meetings, Therapy Tuesday, new sensory activities, and made a couple of decisions. None of that makes the radar screen today. I am sure it will later in the week. So, the news that is the center of my life right now?
The cavalry is coming! The Dad and I met with the intake worker for the ICM (intensive case management) program for two hours. It is run by the Mental Health Association. We got the consent signing out of the way quickly, and started talking about Hope. We needed to go into her history in excruciating detail. I found that painful to do... the child comes from such a difficult place.
Next we had to list all of Hope's needs, and prioritize them. We ended up with anger management, impulsiveness, sexual acting out, and physical aggression. We then listed our needs. We need an in-home tutor so that we are out of the daily homework battle. Weekend respite. A number to call to bring in reinforcements when the Raging starts. Time for GB. Most importantly, an agency who has our back when we get turned into CPS, which is inevitable.
I feel hope and confidence that raising Hope is possible.
Yay for the cavalry!
The cavalry is coming! The Dad and I met with the intake worker for the ICM (intensive case management) program for two hours. It is run by the Mental Health Association. We got the consent signing out of the way quickly, and started talking about Hope. We needed to go into her history in excruciating detail. I found that painful to do... the child comes from such a difficult place.
Next we had to list all of Hope's needs, and prioritize them. We ended up with anger management, impulsiveness, sexual acting out, and physical aggression. We then listed our needs. We need an in-home tutor so that we are out of the daily homework battle. Weekend respite. A number to call to bring in reinforcements when the Raging starts. Time for GB. Most importantly, an agency who has our back when we get turned into CPS, which is inevitable.
I feel hope and confidence that raising Hope is possible.
Yay for the cavalry!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Aftermath
Everybody came home and Hope immediately lost everything we had gained. Both girls saw the psychiatrist this morning. She was thrilled with how GB is doing and unsurprised at Hope's current functioning. She also said that intensive case management was the first step to RTC and we had to start making a paper trail. Such discouraging news. I am hoping the intensive case management will help, if only by getting The Dad and I on the same page.
Both girls have CSE meetings this afternoon. Have to finish my prep.
Both girls have CSE meetings this afternoon. Have to finish my prep.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Why I am Proud to Be a Trauma Mama
A Trauma Mama is an ordinary mother who chooses to parent a child from the hard places. For various reasons, our kids have experienced things no child should have to experience. Abandonment, abuse, overwhelming neglect. Trauma. Children from Trauma can not be parented in the ways society takes for granted that neuro-typical children are raised. Ordinary parenting does not work with children of trauma. You need to have a whole different perspective on parenting.
Children from the hard places are different. They have never learned the world is safe. Their internal tapes are filled with shame, anger and worthlessness. They have no self worth and instinctively sabotage any good that comes into their lives.
As a Trauma Mama, my parenting is based on years of hands on experience. It is also based on years of literature, past and current. Not only books, but every scientific article I can find. I attend seminars that introduce new techniques that might be useful. And I have my other Trauma Mamas who share their hard earned knowledge with anyone interested.
Being a Trauma Mama is not for the faint of heart. It is 24/7, it is intense, it is relentless. And when I am not sure I can do it another second, my Trauma Mamas are there to tell me I am doing an awesome job and to breathe, I can take the next step.
A lot of Trauma Mama's have multiple children who came from trauma. Our children do not define us as Trauma Mamas. How we chose to react to their behaviors and the commitments we make to them are what defines us.
That is why I am proud to be a Trauma Mama.
Children from the hard places are different. They have never learned the world is safe. Their internal tapes are filled with shame, anger and worthlessness. They have no self worth and instinctively sabotage any good that comes into their lives.
As a Trauma Mama, my parenting is based on years of hands on experience. It is also based on years of literature, past and current. Not only books, but every scientific article I can find. I attend seminars that introduce new techniques that might be useful. And I have my other Trauma Mamas who share their hard earned knowledge with anyone interested.
Being a Trauma Mama is not for the faint of heart. It is 24/7, it is intense, it is relentless. And when I am not sure I can do it another second, my Trauma Mamas are there to tell me I am doing an awesome job and to breathe, I can take the next step.
A lot of Trauma Mama's have multiple children who came from trauma. Our children do not define us as Trauma Mamas. How we chose to react to their behaviors and the commitments we make to them are what defines us.
That is why I am proud to be a Trauma Mama.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Couples Counseling
We did this to manufacture time for The Dad and I to spend alone. We went out to lunch and then to couples counseling. Couples who raise special needs children have an extraordinarily high divorce rates. Throw a RADish or two in there, expert at pitting one parent against the other, and professional help can be a necessity, not a luxury. Divorced Trama Mama's aren't a rare breed and the norm for Trauma Mama's can be strained relations between them and their other half.
The Dad and I have been married a long time. We have even survived raising a RADish together. Surviving is not good enough. We are looking for more. I have not kept Hope's struggles a secret. Our life is never easy, but the last eight weeks had pushed us over the cliff. We were not in sync at all. Hence, couples counseling. We are working for our future. God has better things in store for us. We are looking forward to our future together and if we need help to get there, we get help.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
T.I.R.E.D
Valentine Day has passed, but Hope continues to escalate. Since Hope sabotaged the Holter monitor again, we see the pediatric cardiologist on Wednesday and pray that he will clear her for meds. The school keeps inquiring about meds.
I have an intake worker coming from an intensive keep-the-child-in-the -home-program, hopefully to give more support until we can somewhat stabilize Hope on meds. We are NOT contemplating an out of home placement for her. However, her behavior warrants it and we are getting services based on that. Having more support in the house while I ambusy enjoying ORLANDO can't be a bad thing for The Dad.
In case I have given anybody the impression that I always know what to do, I want to state here; there are many times when I am just guessing or am too T.I.R.E.D to be therapeutic. Today might be one of those days. I will know when Hope and GB get off the bus at 3:30.
I have an intake worker coming from an intensive keep-the-child-in-the -home-program, hopefully to give more support until we can somewhat stabilize Hope on meds. We are NOT contemplating an out of home placement for her. However, her behavior warrants it and we are getting services based on that. Having more support in the house while I am
In case I have given anybody the impression that I always know what to do, I want to state here; there are many times when I am just guessing or am too T.I.R.E.D to be therapeutic. Today might be one of those days. I will know when Hope and GB get off the bus at 3:30.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A New Day
I am writing this morning BEFORE Hope wakes up. This is probably the clearest and most positive my mind will be today.
We are still doing strong sitting before meals and snacks. Yesterday, for the first time, Hope told me she was going to hurt me in the middle of the night, while I sleep. I assured her that, while she may be angry and want to, I wasn't going to let that happen.
I am making sure Hope and I get regular skin to skin time, in spite of her almost constant blow ups.
I am still fighting with St. Peter's Hospital to get the Holter monitor results. You would think HIPPA laws were designed to keep information away from mothers... at least St. Peter's seems to think so.
GB is showing signs of extreme stress- constant tears, often about nothing. We will get Hope in her own room, hopefully this Sunday.
As soon as I get the Holter monitor results, I have Abilify in the house to start Hope on. I was leaning towards Seroquel, but the real (read not school) psychiatrist wants to try Abilify first since it typically has fewer side effects.
Exactly three weeks from this moment, I will be on a plane to Orlando. I can't imagine The Dad soloing for 4 days with Hope the way she is. So much anger in such a small package.
We are still doing strong sitting before meals and snacks. Yesterday, for the first time, Hope told me she was going to hurt me in the middle of the night, while I sleep. I assured her that, while she may be angry and want to, I wasn't going to let that happen.
I am making sure Hope and I get regular skin to skin time, in spite of her almost constant blow ups.
I am still fighting with St. Peter's Hospital to get the Holter monitor results. You would think HIPPA laws were designed to keep information away from mothers... at least St. Peter's seems to think so.
GB is showing signs of extreme stress- constant tears, often about nothing. We will get Hope in her own room, hopefully this Sunday.
As soon as I get the Holter monitor results, I have Abilify in the house to start Hope on. I was leaning towards Seroquel, but the real (read not school) psychiatrist wants to try Abilify first since it typically has fewer side effects.
Exactly three weeks from this moment, I will be on a plane to Orlando. I can't imagine The Dad soloing for 4 days with Hope the way she is. So much anger in such a small package.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Double Therapy Tuesday
Hope had two therapy appointments yesterday. Double the fun. The Dad and went to the school in the morning and spent 90 minutes with her therapist. After sharing updates (no surprises), the therapist called Hope down. Hope spent about 30 minutes wavering between the behavior of an 18 month old and that of a three year old. She crawled on the floor, used a baby voice, with immature language, had no attention span, and less frustration tolerance.We are seeing this A LOT. It was a relief when it was time for her to go to lunch. The therapist had no ideas, no suggestions.
Last night was regular Therapy Tuesday. Hope raged the entire time GB was in with the therapist. When it was her turn, she refused to go in. Eventually, the Dad gave her no choice. Orlando and my Trauma Mamas are 3 weeks and 2 days away. I can't wait.
Last night was regular Therapy Tuesday. Hope raged the entire time GB was in with the therapist. When it was her turn, she refused to go in. Eventually, the Dad gave her no choice. Orlando and my Trauma Mamas are 3 weeks and 2 days away. I can't wait.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
It's All Our Fault...
Hope is in the midst of a major regression. We have gone back to the basics. Tomorrow's post is on strong sitting. A couple of weeks ago, The Dad had written to the Texas parents, asking if, for Hope's sake, they would be willing to talk about the trauma Hope experienced. Today he got a response. They said they would think and pray about the answer to the Dad's question.
More interestingly, part of their email read:
Sadly, we believe that her feelings of abandonment are heightened because of her inability to remain in contact with us. The very thing we felt so strongly about has now happened, without Hope's control or ours. In an ideal situation, both families agree to communicate and embrace the pain and loss, in order to help the child and family come to a place of restoration, healing and forgiveness.
Despite every person involved with Hope's mental health have advised against any contact at this point, the Texas parents remain stuck where they are. I have known disruptions where on going contact works and is even desirable. They are not her birth family, but they are the only family she ever had. My RADling is currently stuck in her behavior, but slowly she is starting to share what happened in Texas. As long as she is slowly sharing the trauma, I am not inclined to allow contact with Texas until I understand what went wrong.
More interestingly, part of their email read:
Sadly, we believe that her feelings of abandonment are heightened because of her inability to remain in contact with us. The very thing we felt so strongly about has now happened, without Hope's control or ours. In an ideal situation, both families agree to communicate and embrace the pain and loss, in order to help the child and family come to a place of restoration, healing and forgiveness.
Despite every person involved with Hope's mental health have advised against any contact at this point, the Texas parents remain stuck where they are. I have known disruptions where on going contact works and is even desirable. They are not her birth family, but they are the only family she ever had. My RADling is currently stuck in her behavior, but slowly she is starting to share what happened in Texas. As long as she is slowly sharing the trauma, I am not inclined to allow contact with Texas until I understand what went wrong.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tired of Being a Punching Bag
Hope came home from school scowling yesterday. I took her book bag to see how her day had gone, and was sidetracked by the stuff in it that wasn't hers. Most of it was meaningless stuff- hand lotion, Ben-gay, a barrette. Then I saw GB's charm bracelet from my DIL. It is important to GB and Hope knows that. Maybe Hope figured the best defense was a good offense. Whatever her reasoning, she went from arms crossed to physical in a tenth of a second. She did her best to beat the crap out of me and called me curse words I didn't know she knew. I restrained her. Twice she seemed to calm down. Both times, as soon as I let go of her hands, she was at it again. After the second time, I told her I would not give her another chance until The Dad was home. When he came home, he took over the restraint. It took him 45 minutes before she was in control.
We still do not have the results back from the Holter monitor, so we still can't put her on medication. I am still struggling with viral pneumonia and I didn't want to get up this morning.
We still do not have the results back from the Holter monitor, so we still can't put her on medication. I am still struggling with viral pneumonia and I didn't want to get up this morning.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
We Set a Record!
Yesterday was Therapy Tuesday. I never like Therapy Tuesdays because they tend to be miserable. Yesterday was by far the worse one I have experienced.
GB bumped her head, hard, on the car door on our way in. She was instantly convinced I did it and there was no way to convince her otherwise. She has a big knot on her head and would accept no comfort from me. She just cried and insisted it was my fault.
The Dad went back with Hope. During the session, The Dad and the therapist talked about conditions under which it would be productive for The Dad and Hope to go to Texas to visit her first adoptive parents. They had this conversation in front of Hope. All Hope heard was "Daddy is taking me to Texas". She was more hyper than I had ever seen her.
She never did settle down last night. She was wild and totally out there for the rest of the night... no eye contact, giddy giggling, and total defiance. It was after 11:30 PM before she was still long enough to fall asleep. The Dad didn't miss the State of the Union speech, though. It is good to have priorities.
Hope woke up this morning with great difficulties, still carrying on about her non-existent Texas trip. I feel sorry for Mrs. VY Teacher,
GB bumped her head, hard, on the car door on our way in. She was instantly convinced I did it and there was no way to convince her otherwise. She has a big knot on her head and would accept no comfort from me. She just cried and insisted it was my fault.
The Dad went back with Hope. During the session, The Dad and the therapist talked about conditions under which it would be productive for The Dad and Hope to go to Texas to visit her first adoptive parents. They had this conversation in front of Hope. All Hope heard was "Daddy is taking me to Texas". She was more hyper than I had ever seen her.
She never did settle down last night. She was wild and totally out there for the rest of the night... no eye contact, giddy giggling, and total defiance. It was after 11:30 PM before she was still long enough to fall asleep. The Dad didn't miss the State of the Union speech, though. It is good to have priorities.
Hope woke up this morning with great difficulties, still carrying on about her non-existent Texas trip. I feel sorry for Mrs. VY Teacher,
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Nightmares
Hope has been having nightmares that someone comes and takes her away because she "is bad all the time". We repeat our mantra regularly. "You are ours. No matter what you do, you are ours. You are here forever". Her behavior gets worse instead of better. At this point, we are just hanging on for the ride. Sometimes, there is nothing else to do.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Our Weekend
The girls had a busy weekend. GB enjoyed it a lot. Hope took Rad with her. She enjoyed the weekend,up until she didn't.
Saturday, GB went food shopping with me, while Hope had her dance class. They were both happy. Afterwards, GB's bio-grandparents picked them up and took them to a fall festival. GB had a great time and spent most of her time with her grandfather. Hope got into a power struggle with the grandparents and lost. Grandpa took GB off to get an air tattoo, and Hope stayed with Grandma trying to get her attitude corrected.
On Sunday, the Dad and MK took all three kids to a different fall festival. Everybody had a great time until Hope heard the word "no" and started screaming and crying. Everybody had to leave.
Monday, MK and I took them apple picking. I made Hope hold my hand for the first hour. She was unhappy. I told her when she demonstrated self control with a good attitude she could let go of my hand, as long as she stayed very close to me. She was able to do that and enjoyed picking the last few apples. Once we were done apple picking, I had my RADling back for the rest of the day.
Today is Therapy Tuesday, so I get to get them off the bus and drive an hour to therapy. Tuesdays are usually Hope's worse day.
I am grateful that GB did pretty much the same things she would have done on a fall weekend before Hope joined us and enjoyed herself. Hope is still baiting GB, but GB is getting much better at reacting with words, rather than physical aggression. My balance is getting better.
Saturday, GB went food shopping with me, while Hope had her dance class. They were both happy. Afterwards, GB's bio-grandparents picked them up and took them to a fall festival. GB had a great time and spent most of her time with her grandfather. Hope got into a power struggle with the grandparents and lost. Grandpa took GB off to get an air tattoo, and Hope stayed with Grandma trying to get her attitude corrected.
On Sunday, the Dad and MK took all three kids to a different fall festival. Everybody had a great time until Hope heard the word "no" and started screaming and crying. Everybody had to leave.
Monday, MK and I took them apple picking. I made Hope hold my hand for the first hour. She was unhappy. I told her when she demonstrated self control with a good attitude she could let go of my hand, as long as she stayed very close to me. She was able to do that and enjoyed picking the last few apples. Once we were done apple picking, I had my RADling back for the rest of the day.
Today is Therapy Tuesday, so I get to get them off the bus and drive an hour to therapy. Tuesdays are usually Hope's worse day.
I am grateful that GB did pretty much the same things she would have done on a fall weekend before Hope joined us and enjoyed herself. Hope is still baiting GB, but GB is getting much better at reacting with words, rather than physical aggression. My balance is getting better.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Step for Hope
Hope currently sees a shrink twice a month- once at school and once privately. She sees a therapist three times a week- twice at school and once privately. Today, Hope and I went to therapy with her social worker and shrink at school. For most of the past year, these sessions were a waste of time. I did them so I would be labeled an outstanding parent. When the powers to be think you are an outstanding parent, it is easier to get what you need for your kids. This weeks session was different.
The shrink started talking about Hope's meltdown at Fri*ndly's two weeks ago. Hope didn't want to talk about it. The shrink and therapist insisted. They asked Hope why she had been screaming I hit her. Hope shrugged. They asked Hope if I was hitting her. She said no. Then the shrink told her somebody used to hit her in the past, but it wasn't me. Hope looked at him and said, "Nobody hit me. My Texas mom used to spank my butt with a belt". They reiterated that was then and now was different. After Hope went back to class, they both agreed that separating the past from the current reality is what we will be focused on for the foreseeable future. Today felt like progress!
The shrink started talking about Hope's meltdown at Fri*ndly's two weeks ago. Hope didn't want to talk about it. The shrink and therapist insisted. They asked Hope why she had been screaming I hit her. Hope shrugged. They asked Hope if I was hitting her. She said no. Then the shrink told her somebody used to hit her in the past, but it wasn't me. Hope looked at him and said, "Nobody hit me. My Texas mom used to spank my butt with a belt". They reiterated that was then and now was different. After Hope went back to class, they both agreed that separating the past from the current reality is what we will be focused on for the foreseeable future. Today felt like progress!
Friday, September 30, 2011
The Dad Asked
Last night The Dad asked me to write a post like yesterday's post, except make it about Hope instead of GB. There have been some logistical issues. We have only had Hope for a little over a year. I don't know the real Hope. We haven't broken through the RAD yet. Hope is still physical whenever she rages. And she is still raging. My instant reset button is broken. I know a lot of you understand that. I can't keep her safe without risking getting hurt- especially in public. I will not willingly take Hope some place public by myself because of that. So today's post won't be the same. It will be shadows of future possibilities.
Hope is an angry little girl. Given her background, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I get 90% of her anger. Again, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I do not always deal well with being the constant focus of her anger. The Dad wishes that were different. So do I. Right now it is not.
Hope is not FASD, ASD, Bipolar, or ADHD. She is broken. What happened to her with her first adoptive family broke the child God made. God gave us this child to help her become what he intended. She has music in her soul. She is never as happy as when dancing her ballet. She trusts no one- not even The Dad, although he gets more trust than anyone else. The fact that she does trust The Dad more than anyone else, gives me hope... the ability to trust has not been completely destroyed. Hope is so far behind because of the neglect she lived with- she is missing concepts such as first, last, yesterday, tomorrow. After a year of working on them, they are still not usable. Rhyming words and beginning sounds do not exist to Hope- yet she wants to read and takes every opportunity to "read" to me. A drive that strong comes from a survivor. Hope has cause and effect and the ability to think abstractly. She frequently chooses not to use them, but having them puts her so far ahead of most of our kids.
Part of me regrets adopting Hope. I am too old, Hope's needs are so different from GB's, it never stops. This part of me is real. There is another part of me that knows God meant Hope to be ours. God believes The Dad and I are the people Hope needs to heal. I have found that arguing with God is usually a waste of energy and time. I would rather put that energy into Hope. Hope can heal. I can help.
Hope is an angry little girl. Given her background, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I get 90% of her anger. Again, it is unreasonable to expect anything else. I do not always deal well with being the constant focus of her anger. The Dad wishes that were different. So do I. Right now it is not.
Hope is not FASD, ASD, Bipolar, or ADHD. She is broken. What happened to her with her first adoptive family broke the child God made. God gave us this child to help her become what he intended. She has music in her soul. She is never as happy as when dancing her ballet. She trusts no one- not even The Dad, although he gets more trust than anyone else. The fact that she does trust The Dad more than anyone else, gives me hope... the ability to trust has not been completely destroyed. Hope is so far behind because of the neglect she lived with- she is missing concepts such as first, last, yesterday, tomorrow. After a year of working on them, they are still not usable. Rhyming words and beginning sounds do not exist to Hope- yet she wants to read and takes every opportunity to "read" to me. A drive that strong comes from a survivor. Hope has cause and effect and the ability to think abstractly. She frequently chooses not to use them, but having them puts her so far ahead of most of our kids.
Part of me regrets adopting Hope. I am too old, Hope's needs are so different from GB's, it never stops. This part of me is real. There is another part of me that knows God meant Hope to be ours. God believes The Dad and I are the people Hope needs to heal. I have found that arguing with God is usually a waste of energy and time. I would rather put that energy into Hope. Hope can heal. I can help.
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show her how MK was little and now is big with pictures and is still there
show her how the pets do something "naughty" and still stay around
show her how your pool gets dirty or needs new chemicals, but it stays.
and for pete's sake, don't tell her she is bad. use naughty or some other word. Tell her she is NOT BAD.
BAD is internalized in the self. her behaviors are naughty, she is not BAD.