Manic Monday

Court was this morning and I survived. So did the baby. MK and Boo? That's posted on the other blog.

I used the last hour to get in touch with GB's therapist at school. She  said she has seen the increased physical tension in her body for over two months, but GB won't talk about it. I told her about GB's increasing inability to handle Hope's manipulations. I told her about my being away for surgery hasn't helped She told me GB had mentioned seeing her birth mother.

The day I was operated on, GB's bio-grands had picked her and Hope up from the bus and took them back to their house. While they were there, GB's BM showed up, with her son. I knew nothing about this until well after the fact. This weekend GB asked me to help her talk to Grandma and Grandpa. I asked what she wanted to talk about. She said she didn't like seeing BM at their house and she wanted to tell them not to do it anymore but she was afraid they would be mad. I promised her as soon as I was able to manage it, we would go talk to her grandparents. One more thing she did not need to deal with, especially right now.

The therapist at school is going to spend more one-on-one time with GB. I told her if she needed the IEP amended for more sessions a week to let me know. Today I wouldn't mind blowing at someone, and the Very Stupid Chairperson would make a great target.

MK and Booboo Prepare for Court

New post on other blog.

A Troubling Week

I start this with the admission both of my little ones are having a rough time. I was hoping it was largely caused by the Dad and I being on different pages, in different books. It is more than that. I took GB into my bed Thursday night and started stroking her face. I moved to her neck, then down her arms. I hummed very softly and waited. GB eventually settled in and started talking. I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or to herself. I listened without breaking my rhythm. At first I thought it was just random thoughts she was throwing out. It wasn't. After letting her ramble for 15 minutes, she was able to come back to this thought: Hope was really good at acting cute, everybody loves Hope acting cute, and GB has no idea how to handle it. She spoke about how sad she felt when people preferred Hope over her. She spoke wistfully about the kind voices people use with Hope and how much she liked it when people used that voice with her. It doesn't happen much any more. I kept stroking her and she fell asleep. I cried.

Some changes are easy.  Some changes aren't. Next week, when I am up again, I will pull Hope from GB's gymnastic class and put her in a class an hour before GB's. I will keep GB next to me so I can intervene quickly. I don't know what else I can try, but I will have to figure it out.

Today, Hope cried and whined all afternoon. Everybody used soothing voices and tried to make everything better. MK and Booboo took her for a walk and gave her money for the dollar store. Not once did anyone get loud or forceful with Hope, even after 6 hours of her screaming, crying, and saying she hate them. GB did not hear that soothing, calming voice from anybody but me.

Sometimes Hope is cute, bright and charming. When she plays cute, it is very different. Her smile is different,  she is running the show. The tears go on and off in a nanosecond. So does her "I am afraid to find my shoes", "You don't love me", " I just want a hug, that's all", onto mindless, high pitch screeching. And yet, after six hours of this, nobody has run out of patience.

Except me.

I Am Back!

Did you miss me? I have been gone because of surgery and complications. I wrote about it on my other blog.

There was only two days between Orlando and my surgery, so I am not sure how much of the girls difficulties are related to each event. The Dad was on overload and that probably contributed to the girls falling apart too. Both girls see the new shrink today and I am hoping a medication change helps GB.

The Dad and I aren't reading the same book right now, much less on the same page. How do I know? When I try to talk about the girls, the stock response has been "Of course you feel that way" no matter what the topic is. GB is currently adamant that she DOES NOT want a sister and is very articulate in express it. She also is very clear that Hope lies to get her in trouble and feels nobody is listening to her. I have a call in to her therapist in school. Hope is crying over everything. The Dad is soft and quiet with Hope and jumps all over GB. I find myself trying to be a barrier between GB and the stress she is feeling. Not a good situation. I have been waiting for the Dad to be in a less overwhelmed space. I am not sure how long I'll have to wait.

Orlando gave me some of my perspective back and at least I do not have to fight my own anger. Either we will come to a place where we can talk about things again or not. If we don't, as soon as I am released from restrictions on what I can do physically, he will go back to being consumed by his job and I will go back to parenting solo. Either way, the situation will get resolved.

Done

"Out of surgery. High as a kite. Already taken 3 steps. Back in bed now. Thank you all for your support and encouragement."

.....typing services provided by GB's dad. She's a trooper and doing great.

After Orlando

Orlando continued to be wonderful because of the people there. Everybody had their own story, but the pain was the same. My plane was 2 hours late Monday, but Booboo picked me up. He told me everyone else in the house was sick. The girls, besides getting over being sick, are very needy. GB could articulate how much she missed me and needed and received extra cuddles and talks. Hope is crying and screaming and saying I hate her. She turns it off instantly when the Dad comes in the room. Not getting aggravated. Orlando was so refreshing  :)

I have to be at the hospital by 6 am tomorrow, which means leaving here by 4:30. I am having a total replacement of my left hip. I hope to see GB on her birthday Thursday and if the hospital was wifi, I will try to post from there.

Being Brave!

I am essentially a none social person. I don't like meeting strangers. I don't like loud, crowded rooms. I need a lot of contact with someone before I give friendship a chance. Yet not only did I go to the Orlando Rad Mom's retreat, but I agreed to be house mother. Corey said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I had a couple of people that I was already friends with- J., Jennie, Lisa. I really, really wanted to see them. I really wanted to meet Dia por Dia. Hope had a 103 fever. I really didn't want to leave her. I am having my hip replaced Wednesday and I really didn't want to leave GB either. My white matter syndrome makes what kind of a day I have a toss up. Friday and Saturday were not so good days; Today, Sunday, has been a good day so far.

I felt really lucky at the airport Friday, because when I found the welcoming committee, I knew who everyone was. I got to ride from the airport to the main house with J! I lost my phone at the airport, but since I had already texted the Dad and MK that I was safely here, I didn't worry about it. It was found and turned in, so I can pick it up on my way home tomorrow. Glad I didn't waste anytime worrying :-) When I got to the main house, everybody was friendly and welcoming, but it didn't matter. I got to hug Lisa! Jennie was there real and in person. We went to our villa at 4 o'clock and it was stunning. The swimming pool was at least 100 degrees. Physically, I was very tired. My balance was off and the tremors were noticeable. I went out to see the pool and contemplate sticking my feet in or maybe even swimming. I slipped and fell. I landed on my left hip. I have a big bruise, but it doesn't hurt anymore than it did  before I fell.  I decided to rest instead of going to the purse party. There were going to be too many people in too little space anyway.

I slept late Saturday, but was ready for my spa trip. I have never had any massage except from my cousin massaging my neck, but I decided to jump in. I went for a full body massage and even did it nude. It started with some soft music that really wasn't music. I was laying on my belly and this really nice smell drifted into be. I was trying to figure out what it was when the massage started. I remember the therapist going around my body in an orderly fashion. I noticed when she massaged my head. It was all perfect. There was no sense of time passing. I felt a sharp stab of peppermint flow through me and the massage was over and I was awake. An hour had passed in the real world, although it was timeless in my world. I was so glad that I had risked something new. I went for a haircut and met a master haircutter. She was young and nice and worked steadily on my hair, a little snip at a time. It took longer than any haircut I have ever had, but I had no trouble sitting still. It might have been a left over from the message. I still look exactly like me, only better.

I had dinner with my housemates and spent hours listening and talking to new people and it was easy. They went out to visit other houses around 11ish, and I went to bed. I have a hard time walking when I can't see where I'm going; I was not about to try it in the dark. It was a good choice- I woke up refreshed before eight this morning. I took a long bubble bath, complete with the pink ducky Corey gave me, put on clean PJs and went with Lori to be the finish line for the 5K. Three of our housemates finished and it was fun cheering everyone on. I went swimming, had lunch, and am off to the parents panel... coming here was a great idea. I am happy I took the chance. This is better than I ever dreamed it would be.