Today I received an email from Hope's Texas Mom, wanting to help however she could with Hope's adjustment. Truth stranger than fiction? I spent the morning pondering it. I thought back through thirty years of experience and many children having to come to terms with the fact that they are not going back. Some from failed adoptions, some from bio families. I think I have some key points it might be helpful for Hope to hear from her Texas Mom.
Here they are:
- Our family very much wanted her adoption to work.
- Our family tried very hard to make the adoption work.
- Everybody is sad that the adoption didn't work.
- GB's family is her family now.
- We are happy she has a family that loves her.
What do you think?
The therapist is another post.
6 comments:
Great ideas! I don't know where Hope stands in her feelings for the family but maybe they could give her permission to let them go. Just thinking out loud here....
My gut says that TX mom is feeling very guilty and she may not be able to control her emotions -- I think she is capable of telling Hope that she wants her back. I think "want to help" is code for "need contact so I can relieve my guilt."
Well, you asked what I thought...
Texas Mom is trying to relieve her own guilt for her treatment of Hope, IMO.
I think the whole phone call thing is a very very bad idea. If Texas Mom really cares about Hope, she should want her to get adjusted in her family before setting her back God only knows how much.
I hear you. Maybe it would be better done in writing, so I control If and when Hope sees it. And yes, I did ask :)
Those are important messages for Hope to receive, but it's important that you are able to control the when & how of delivery.
I would most definitely not recommend contact right now. Every contact my kids had with birth family seemed to worsen their abandonment and loyalty issues (they felt it was disloyal to be part of our family). I might let Hope know, in therapy with the support of the therapist if the therapist agrees with the idea, that TX mom loves her, contacted you, and is happy that Hope is in the right place with people who love her.
A couple of years ago we allowed a closure meeting between my kids and biomom, but that was after their bond was definitely established with us, and I knew she really would say that she loved them and they were in the right place for them.
In the year before the meeting I allowed Biomom to communicate with me, and passed along what I felt like my kids could handle (not much, mostly just pictures of siblings) when they could handle it.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think kids need time to bond to their new family before they try to deal with the past. We could never keep Bear from secretly communicating with Biomom and I wonder if that wasn't one of the contributing factors to the fact that he never really attached to us.
OK, this is a long post. Sorry,
Mary in TX
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